Dirty Who?

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:21

    While beleaguered Sanchez was bogged down on the phone with 333, confirming every single fact about the Hawaii season?a fine warmup for Sanchez, who plans to tell Real World stories around a campfire one day?Holmes was cementing his position as Joan Rivers to Carson Daly's Johnny Carson, by subbing as TRL master of ceremonies while Carson was off in Las Vegas for MTV's Sports & Music Festival 3-D. Soggy Sanchez laments that the weekend after the Real World marathon could be such an uninteresting dust-colored ball of endless replays of identical guys whooshing down a ramp set up atop a parking structure. "'That's so extreme!' the enthusiastic Sister of Sanchez pipes up," piped up the enthusiastic Sister of Sanchez. The only solace in the whole 48-hour stretch of sorrow was the Carson-hosted "Carson City, Nevada," in which That 70s Show star Ashton Kucher is revealed to be spastic beyond incredulous Sanchez's powers of description, bouncing around the Hard Rock Casino (Sanchez guesses the only gambling venue in the world with Sex Pistols slot machines) with his face contorted, screaming at the top of his lungs, getting his ass signed by a confused Hard Rock bartendress. "Who wants to sign my ass?!" bellowed Kucher. The best part was watching Carson get drunker and drunker as the evening progressed, until finally, at an impromptu Smash Mouth live appearance, supersauced Carson was shown seated behind singer Steve Harwell belting out "All Star" with a drink in his mitt and a superemotive expression on his face.

    Carson was absent for TRL's notable upset of the past week, in which Korn's "Falling Away From Me" displaced BSB's "Larger Than Life" at number one. "'How it chills the fearful Sister of Sanchez that the anthem, perhaps the first time in history an act has baldly sung a syrupy love song to its fanbase, should get booted by the scions of Hug Yourself and Bob Like an Autistic Child Metal,' whispers the Sister of Sanchez fearfully," the fearful Sister of Sanchez whispered. Bright Sanchez reminds his Sister that the omission of other telltale tics may in fact constitute progressive change in the ever-shifting sands of Rock?why, let us now take a moment to thank our lucky stars that it's not teeth-chattering, eye-rolling, diabolically grinning, hug-yourself-and-bob-like-an-autistic-child metal! "True," the Sister of Sanchez capitulated, "capitulates the Sister of Sanchez, but did the Sister of Sanchez happen to mention that BSB have a song called 'The Perfect Fan' addressed to Brian Littrell's mom?" Honest Sanchez says yes, ma'am, he did, and quickly segues into a mention that Korn played the Apollo Theater last week as part of the new-release press rigmarole for its latest, Issues.

    Clear-eyed Sanchez just has to insist: Robbie Williams does not have a hit. Repeat: Robbie Williams does not have a hit. Please, forlorn Sanchez pleads to the media hoze, let the bastard go; Lance Bass will go through a wild-eyed crazy-man period soon enough. Can't we just wait until one of our own goes cuckoo? Patriotic Sanchez hereby offers to spike 98 Degrees' backstage Gatorade stash with hallucinogens the moment he gets the chance.

    The superbuff quartet, incidentally?the Blue Cheer to 'N Sync's MC5?is slated to perform as part of the 73rd Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Parade along with Christina Aguilera, recently pictured on the cover of Teen People working her ass off to shed her Mousekateer past in favor of a edgier image, and Lou Bega, the Euro-Mambo-Bandwagon-Jumper (the man's website address is www.loubega.de, the "de" being the suffix standing for Deutschland), whose first and by most reckonings final hit contains instructions for a theoretical dance craze so unfathomable it has broken the stalwart Sister of Sanchez to uncontrollable tears. "Jump up and down and move it all around, shake your hands to the side put your hands on the ground?!" the hysterical Sister of Sanchez yelped. "The Sister of Sanchez yelps hysterically that she's too fragile to withstand an inscrutable combo of Simon Says and Twister rendered as a novelty song!" Bega recently explained to Teen People that the lack of Mambos number 1 through 4 is not yet another piece of obscure mathematical evidence that Tupac faked his own death, but that "'Mambo Number 5' means five continents." As for the remaining two continents on the planet Earth, snubbed by Bega, soothsaying Sanchez predicts that the millennial Sturm und Drang shall not begin with airplanes falling from the sky or wayward Russian ICBMs, but rather with incensed Australians and Antarcticans swarming his record company's office and busting it up Bastille-style.

    In other 98 Degrees news, the muscly bunch will fly in for the Thanksgiving shindig the day before, and perform a primetime special on the Home Shopping Network the day after, on which the group will perform a song or two, not to mention shill some limited-edition tour merchandise and autographed photos of the band. "'I want a honk,' pants the salacious Sister of Sanchez," the Sister of Sanchez panted salaciously.

    NEXT WEEK: Sanchez and his Sister suit up from head to toe in cheapo bootleg Pikachu merchandise from Orchard St., and hit the town committing senseless acts of violence!