DMX Digs Weed and Fine Asses!

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:51

    Piggy Don't Bungee! Bulging-eyed Sanchez was absolutely floored by Voice house mook Eric Weisbard's recent piece on DMX the week before last! Salivating Sanchez invites his devoted public to sample this tantalizing opening remark: "What follows is...outtakes and stray threads from my DMX feature in the new GQ." What a fabulous gas! Sanchez swears that despite his own low estimations of the rock-critic industry, he never thought any writer could attain such depths of go-for-broke give-a-fuck-less-ness! "The dictates of celebrity profiles...," wearying Weisbard preambles, "often forbid space for loose factoids, minor characters, and critical rambling." Weisbard complains that the celebrity-profile game calls for "restatement of well-known details" and then graces us with the following original discoveries: Emceeing requires "rhythm in the voice," it's surprising that somebody from the projects should make loads of dough and, in pop music, "that simple shit really wins, man." "'Death to all pig dog GQ editors who would keep the truth away from the people!' rages the Sister of Sanchez," the Sister of Sanchez raged. "Long live supermagical Weisbard, who can snag himself a Voice check with a few control-V's of text clipped from other files into a new file!" Of course, embarrassed Sanchez must admit he's happier reading Weisbard's lazy Do I Have Enough Words Yet? stuff than the rambling, unreadable Pareles-with-a-gram-of-Northern-Lights fare of fellow Voice dork Frank Kogan, who in the same issue contributes something long and unintelligible about the Rolling Stones and James Brown and call-and-response this week.

    "'Tiny purple fishes run laughing through his fingers,' notes the Sister of Sanchez incisively," incisively noted the Sister of Sanchez.

    Supersensitive Sanchez chafed last week at the suggestion of his editor that he was becoming too entranced with MTV?even going so far as to suggest that complacent Sanchez start listening to music! Mortified Sanchez begins to hyperventilate! Not only did the editor deliver his own volley of sneers at Eric Weisbard last week?infringing on the beat of territorial Sanchez!?but he remained unimpressed when valiant Sanchez retorted, "Well, if you don't want to hear about MTV in Sanchez's column, why don't you call up MTV CEO Tom Freston and ask him to loosen his network's stranglehold on youth culture, that Sanchez might find his material elsewhere!"

    Though Sanchez was unable to gain his editor's sympathy, he is somewhat validated in reporting that the Dept. of Justice is investigating MTV for potential antitrust violations. Sanchez read a Rolling Stone story on the subject, by Matt Hendrickson, that alleges that the cabal of major labels is behind the investigation, pissed, as they are, by the low fees MTV has to pay the labels for the right to air their videos?perhaps if there were another video music outlet in North America other than super-Canadian MuchMusic, those fees would be a tad higher? Shrugging Sanchez doesn't know, but he sure bets that no matter what comes out of the investigation, MTV will not start paying songwriting royalties to ASCAP or BMI.

    How will despondent Sanchez get through this week if he can't transcend the editorial mandate and comment on the premiere of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge 2000? "'How can Sanchez live with himself if he cannot deploy his startling observation that Piggy Don't Bungee?' asks the fearful Sister of Sanchez?" the fearful Sister of Sanchez asked. Terrified Sanchez doesn't know, but he sure is glad that the Australian stick-in-the-mud is around to balk at the tasks assigned the Real World/Road Rules casts, openly stating that she's in it for the money. "I need a car," Piggy sniffs as self-fortification for the bungee jump off Las Vegas' Stratosphere Tower. Which she chickens out of, needless to say.

    The brave Road Ruleser also gains mad Sanchez points for being the first of the season to address rumors about bubbly Bostonite David's?the guy who made the weepy, inspirational "That's realer than anything you have!" confessional-booth tirade on the exemplary Seattle season?cock size. Hand-rubbing Sanchez wonders happily how the season will develop, what with the supermighty combined whining capabilities of Piggy and Hawaii season mistress-of-complaint Amaya. Amaya won the prestigious Spin magazine readers' poll for "Most Annoying Real World Hawaii Cast Member," beating "all of them" by one place.

    "'What could be more exciting in a young person's life than to be recognized as individually more annoying than yourself plus six other people?' rhetorically asks the Sister of Sanchez," the rhetorical Sister of Sanchez asked. "And will Sanchez get through this paragraph without observing that Road Rules is still the thrift-est program on MTV's schedule?" And so sighing Sanchez relents: Road Rules is indeed still thrift.

    Shockingly, the Spin poll contains but a single citation for the Backstreet Boys, while, in a testimony to the magazine's relevance, Spin readers voted Nine Inch Nails "best band" and Tori Amos "best solo artist." Shaking Sanchez can't bear the wait until Spin's "Superstars of the Early Nineties!" issue comes out. In a sidebar, Spin also printed the top-5-of-'99 of Prince Paul, which were, in the order Spin printed them: BSB's Millennium, Ricky Martin's Ricky Martin, the Dixie Chicks' Fly, Britney Spears' ...Baby One More Time and Brooks & Dunn's Tight Rope.

    "'BROOKS & DUNN?!' proclaims the overwhelmed Sister of Sanchez," the overwhelmed Sister of Sanchez proclaimed. "Brooks & Dunn! Brooks & Dunn! Brooks & Dunn! Huzzah!"

    The Teen People readers poll turned out?thank the good Lord?much more positively for BSB, whose most tremulously voiced member, A.J., snagged top in honors in both the "best celeb facial hair" and "most creative coif" categories. The only thing Sanchez found funnier was the Rolling Stone poll, released earlier this month, in which BSB swept pretty much every category bar the ones with "female" in the title. And smartypants Sanchez figures they probably won those fair and square too, but were discreetly disqualified by RS editors amped for Britney.

    "'Death to all running dog editors who would hold BSB back,' yelps the hopped-up Sister of Sanchez!" the hopped-up Sister of Sanchez yelped. "Who dares imply that Brian Littrell and company might be lacking in the ability to transcend mere gender?!"