John Lydon's A Leathery Faker

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:51

    Rotten Rottener Weary Sanchez is dismayed to report that, well past 30 days into a new century, the world of show business consists of more or less the same collection of faces and names that comprised show business in the last months of the last century! Outraged Sanchez rails at the media powers that be, that they might get off their asses and begin working for a living. For how will lazy Sanchez stay amused in his chosen profession if the industry to whom he is attached, leech-like, does not step it up with the turnover? "The helpful Sister of Sanchez brightly notes that Sanchez has perhaps forgotten Hoku," brightly noted the helpful Sister of Sanchez. Conceding Sanchez must admit that Hoku, purveyor of the single off the Snow Day soundtrack, "Another Dumb Blonde," is at least new in that the vocalist?who, despite the vaguely Eastern moniker, is yet another teen girl pop queen?has built a vocal style out of Liz Phair-like hard consonants and generally Caucasoid vocalisms, rather than liberally applying the eau du black accent that Mandy Moore must buy by the industrial bulk package. "Let us at least thank the Hoku for her acknowledgment that she's kind of the President Pro Tempore of the Senate in the girl-star hierarchy," observed the astute Sister of Sanchez, "for the astute Sister of Sanchez observes that the poor girl, a bonsai plant in name as well as stature, won't ascend to preeminent teenhood until Britney, Christina, Mandy and Jessica Simpson drop dead in line in front of her." Forward-thinking Sanchez is at least thankful for the faraway prospect of the You Were Mine in Ninety Nine tour, circa 2020, which Sanchez will surely see at either the Westbury Music Fair or some casino on an Indian reservation in Connecticut, which Sanchez predicts will be highlighted by a duet between a leathery-skinned Britney and a chainsmoking, raspy-voiced Christina on "The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow," and a game final donning of the mouse ears. One of the aforementioned Foos, Dave Grohl, was busted for DUI in Australia last week; the ex-Nirvana drummer ("'Skinsman!' shrieks the horrified Sister of Sanchez," the horrified Sister of Sanchez shrieked. "I thought we agreed that from here on out we'd be referring to drummers as 'skinsmen'!") pulled his moped up to a police checkpoint, thinking he'd be waved through. "There was a police breathalyzer stop thingy," wrote Grohl on a Foos website. Rather, Grohl was nabbed, jailed for a night and fined $400. Not to mention that the poor rock star's Australian driver's license was revoked. "'Not his Australian driver's license!' wails the distraught Sister of Sanchez!" the distraught Sister of Sanchez wailed. "Why, that renders the man a pedestrian on an entire continent!"

    In other items vaguely related to the previous paragraph of Sanchez's column, Liam Gallagher told MTV News: "I want to get out there and play, man. That's what it's about." Curious Sanchez wonders if MTV could find a McDonalds' worker willing to say, "I want to get in there and fry up some McNuggets, man. That's what it's about." "'Surely they could,' clucks the knowledgeable Sister of Sanchez," the knowledgeable Sister of Sanchez clucked. "But perhaps not with quite so ludicrous a Rod Stewart coif as Liam sports in the video for 'Go Let It Out.'" Shrugging Sanchez concedes the point, but must note with great solemnity how much better Liam looks with Rod Stewart's hair than John Lydon does with Rainbowhead's.

    Obese Puerto Rican rap personality Fat Joe was recently granted the ultimate endorsement by the Stage Deli, which named a sandwich after the man. The sandwich, designed by Joe, consists of eggs over easy, grilled turkey and melted American cheese on a roll. "I don't eat no pork or no beef," Joe mused. "I don't know how I'm the fattest guy in the world... I eat turkey all the time." While cameras were rolling, Joe consumed three of the sandwiches for the benefit of the viewing audience. And?Sanchez notes wryly?a Diet Coke.