Our New Friend and How He Got His Dumb Ass Suspended

When we got the "pussy-assed liberal bullshit" letter this week (published in its entirety in Soapboxing) on letterhead from the New York State Division of Parole, we had hoped it was an official critique of the story.

These hopes were piqued when a spokeswoman for the Department vowed an official investigation to find out about the mysterious man whose fax sheet included his name (M. Reed) and phone number. (We're tempted, but no.)

I assumed as such that she was blowing smoke about the two investigators dispatched to our offices to solve this "mystery," especially after she denied knowledge of any employee of that name or at that extension, and speculated darkly and vaguely that the fax had been penned either by someone from the Department of Homeland Security (I knew they were watching us!) or a disgruntled parolee. Two excellent options.

Playing a crazy hunch, I called his phone number, in the hopes that the mysterious Mr. Reed might answer and then be able to explain the differences between BUSHit, bullshit, liberal bullshit and pussy-assed liberal bullshit.

"That's me," said 49-year-old Parole Substance Abuse Counselor Michael Reed. "This is about my obnoxious fax? Cool. What's up?" Michael was suspiciously open about his letter, much like you'd expect from a wily con on the run.

"This is not a Division of Parole thing. That must be immediately let known." I'd figured as much: Who on the state payroll can curse so eloquently now that former Pataki advisor Mike McKeon has departed?

Tim Marchman's article "was like a Maureen Dowd op-ed," he told me. "Instead of putting facts down, it was immediately blaming George Bush and Republicans for everything. I hate to say it but it's usually, of course, liberals who do that." Liberals, he went on, "sit with drool buckets everyday waiting for something like this to happen so they can go immediately attack the president."

Perhaps he is with the Evildoers Prevention League.

"No. I'm Independent. I'm not a Democrat or a Republican? I like to throw the mud at both of them... I am in the Independence Party," said Michael, which only raised more questions about the party/cult and its anti-Semitic leader, Lenora Fulani. When I asked him about Fulani, Michael said he registered with the Independence Party years ago, but wasn't sure if he was still a member.

Here's our man, then: A guy who isn't sure what party he's in, but whose "pussy-assed liberal bullshit" meter went berserk after reading our scathing critique of how the federal government displayed unprecedented incompetence in the face of Katrina.

If you're nodding your head and dismissing Reed as a nut job, you're dead wrong. For starters, he's been reading New York Press weekly since 1998, and surely no paranoid schizophrenic would do that.

Other papers have been less generous in their estimation. Michael's venomous letters to The New York Times have generated no response. Yet one letter to us and he's got an official state investigation, a new job with homeland security so secret even he doesn't know about it, U.S. Marshals quite possibly on his escaped prisoner-ass, and a whacky gang of new buddies. Beat that Gray Lady!

For the record, Reed apologized for insulting our Tim Marchman, who a Press spokeswoman speculated is a member of either the Justice or the Federalist Society of America.

Reed's not sure, but he may be one of Gotham's 770,069 registered voters who aren't enrolled in any party. That's the city's second largest party behind the three million Democrats. (And Democrats needed years of turkey giveaways, patronage jobs and tampering with voter rolls to get that big.)

While we were hoping for some lenience for our dumb friend, who is very sincerely invited over for a drink, a spokeswoman for the Division called me on Friday to tell me that "the person who wrote the letter has been suspended." She called again later that day to say they'll finish the investigation before disciplining him.

Further investigation, though, was apparently needed by the crack state staff, which led to our 14th floor office morphing into a cross between Les Miserables and The Pink Panther, as Javert and Clouseau came to collect my statement and grill me about this article.

"Can we see a copy of it first?" Javert asked me.

"No."

They seemed surprised.

As to the suspended Reed, he's a recovering alcoholic who "used to do acid for breakfast and smoked pot," he said, along with cocaine and whatever else got people high in the '60s, '70s, '80s and early '90s.

One 12-step program later, and Reed now successfully counsels parolees on substance abuse and treatment, or he did until he wrote us at least. The Division of Parole just suspended one of the most qualified people they have-one armed with information you can't get from a book about how to help parolees break the chains of drug and alcohol addiction and stay clear of prison life.

"The next time I send a letter I'll send it on a regular piece of paper," Michael said.

Just keep 'em coming, man.

-Azi Paybarah