The Conspiracy I'm Waiting For

I'd like to say it's been a trend that's only developed over these past few months, but I know better. It's been going on as long as I can remember?at least back into my early teens. People?complete strangers?will write to me, or call, or stop me on the street?to let me in on a secret. These are never small, quiet secrets, either? they're always huge, and sinister and potentially deadly to everyone involved. The secrets themselves vary somewhat, but the conclusion is always the same?that the United States government is using electronic weapons, or a disease, or radio waves, or mind control, or something even more insidious to do something really awful to a large section of the population. The reasons differ. In fact, the reasons behind these horrible plots are usually pretty vague. But for whatever reason and to whatever end, it's always a concerted effort on the part of "the government."

I've been running into a rash of these folks lately?not only here in the city, but from all parts of the country. The latest letter came from the Pacific Northwest?someone wrote to tell me about a rare and incurable neuromuscular disease. The note seemed innocent enough until about halfway down the second page, when the phrase "government genocide program" first cropped up.

Yes, well, I thought, as I slid the letter back into its envelope. At least this time the concerned citizen waited until the second page to spring it on me?usually you can count on the zinger popping up by the second paragraph, third at the latest.

"Wow," Morgan said when I mentioned this latest one to her, "if you had a dime for every government plot someone brought to your attention... I wonder if there are fads in delusional psychosis. Government conspiracy seems to be really happening right now. UFOs, messianic complexes and yoga are out."

And she was right. I've had dealings with UFO people and various messiahs in the past?even knew a yoga person once?but there hasn't been a peep from them in quite a while. Over the past year or so, it's been nothing but evil government plots, one right after the other. People contacted me to blame the government for their eviction, or their disappearing neighbors, or the fact that they couldn't find a public restroom when they needed one, or their unholy feminine odor, or a disease, or the spraying of insecticides, or a tracking device lodged in their privates. One recent letter writer didn't even seem to have much of a problem herself?seemed perfectly fine and happy?she just wanted to tell me about the government's widespread use of electronic mind-control devices?even though the idea didn't seem to bother her too much. But she was a rarity.

We aren't even talking the faked moon landing or the Kennedy assassination here?they're all very personal attacks. The government has singled these people out for some reason and destroyed their lives.

I'm not saying these people are insane, or even wrong?but my question in the face of these claims has always been the same: if it takes the government 12 years to pass a bill to install a stoplight at a dangerous intersection, how and why would they toss the money and the manpower around all willy-nilly to annoy and confuse some poor sap with no money and a personal hygiene problem? And why spend millions torturing them for years when they could simply make them disappear for 20 bucks or so?

It makes no sense at all.

Just once, I'd like to get a letter from someone that outlines in obsessive detail how they've been horribly wronged, then goes on to explain that their problems are actually the result of foul machinations on the part of Bigfoot. Or possibly Bigfeet.

That would make sense to me. Bigfoot was always pretty secretive?he was spotted a few times, tromping through the woods of Northern California, but when was the last time you heard of a Bigfoot sighting? And working alone, as he seems to, it seems more likely that he could hold a personal grudge and fuck with a single unlucky soul over a period of years. That seems much more likely than, say, a multilayered government agency getting involved in such monkeyshines. Plus, quite a few of the stories I hear from these people involve bad smells?and Lord knows Bigfoot's got that one down pat.

And in the end, Bigfoot just seems a lot scarier and a lot smarter than most politicians I've seen.

Given all this overwhelming evidence, I think it simply makes sense to conclude that Bigfoot's the one who's been messing up these people's lives for so long.

Thinking about it that way, Bigfoot's beginning to sound an awful lot like the Unabomber. And given that I'm convinced that Ted Kaczynski was indeed a patsy, a fall guy, railroaded by an FBI that was under the gun to pin the bombings on somebody?well, I think maybe we're finally onto something.