This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:31

    Taurus (April 20-May 20) Every teacher's primary goal should be to make herself obsolete. Instead of merely imparting rote, one-sided information of limited use, each instructor should teach his students to find facts, to read between the lines, to question; ultimately, to learn and think for themselves instead of habitually taking others' words at face value. You Tauri rarely (if ever) allow anyone else to tell you what to think. But you're quick enough to volunteer your authority on any given subject, earning you a rep as a smart cookie or opinionated bastard, depending on who's talking about you. This week, encourage others to formulate their own opinions based on the most complete information (from as many perspectives as possible) available. If you can't do that, at least be up-front about being a tight-ass when it comes to original thought?at least when it differs from your own. Gemini (May 21-June 20) Oh, shit. You woke up to find your feet encased in a cement block. Shut up about it, though! Why am I asking you not to holler your lungs out? Well, who do you suppose surrounded your toes in one hundred pounds of concrete, and why? Screaming for help could free you sooner, but it could also wind up getting you dumped in a lake. Relax. Be thankful for those Snickers in the nightstand. You should be able to survive while you chip yourself free with a letter opener. And think of how great it'll feel next week to run free?in a way, freer than you've ever been. Cancer (June 21-July 22) By the end of this week, we'll see the new moon in Aries. This is arguably the darkest moon of the year for you, because although Capricorn is your opposing sign in the zodiac, Aries is your true opposite, in temperament. As fiery as you're watery, masculine to your feminine. What does this mean for you? Nothing discouraging, I hope. So you won't be bursting the floodgates with your sweeping passions, or illuminating dark corners with full moon wisdom. But you could use this downtime to share powerful secrets, steal furtive kisses or evade your own traps. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) If I were your father and two generations older than I am, I'd take a belt to your butt. You've offended your supposed religion, subverted authority figures and gleefully flaunted your most outrageous attributes. Plus, everybody likes you, and that would really piss me off. But, since I'm 25 years old and into subverting anything that doesn't support our most powerful, creative selves, I'd rather give you a sporting pat on the ass. I'll spend any extra slapping energy on applause?especially this week, when you could take these virtues to a rebellious new place. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) When a fly gets caught in a spiderweb, it's mostly snared by its own stupidity. If it had the good sense to just keep still a moment, check out its situation and carefully extricate itself, it would have a better chance of getting free. But instead it struggles, inevitably tangling itself further and attracting the attention of the spider itself. I'm not criticizing an insect's intelligence; it is what it is. But when you find yourself caught on one or two delicate, sticky filaments of trouble this week, don't freak out and start flailing around like an hysterical prophet. Stay calm, be resourceful and use the sharpest edge I know of?your brain?to cut yourself loose. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Each decade had its particular style. Even the chaotic, formless 90s propagated their own esthetic: anything retro was hip, if you did it right. Where do we go from here? Authenticity, I hope. The genuine article. I'm hardly a fashion expert, but you are. And?no offense?you've sometimes been accused of being, well, a little fake. All in the interest of harmony, goodwill and fun, I'm sure. But I'm hoping you'll jump at this chance of being cutting-edge cool by simply making and keeping it as real as you can. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) On one shoulder lolls that horny red devil, counseling you to not resist temptation, to succumb to your most perverse desires. On the other perches that tediously trite but strangely compelling little angel, advising you to do the righteous thing, drag though it may be. Ignore them both. Brush them off like a bad dandruff problem. The world is more complicated than the viewpoints of unimaginative purists out of a cartoon reality. Hard-and-fast rules are for suckers; I prefer the exceptions. There's nothing wrong with the middle road except it bores me, and you, too, probably?given your penchant for extremes. Let me tell you a secret: there are a few of us out there who've learned how to wear horns and wings, to be horny and holy. There's got to be a way to satisfy your longings while doing the right thing. This week, find it. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) One of my high school coworkers got accosted by a wigmaker on the streets of New York and offered two grand for her long, wavy red hair. She was flustered and suddenly had to reevaluate something she'd taken for granted, in light of the huge wad of cash she'd done virtually nothing to earn. In her case, she refused, suddenly treasuring this part of herself she'd often ignored or resented. When you're offered a bonus this week for some aspect of simply being yourself, I hope?whether you take advantage of the offer or not?that you'll teach yourself a thing or two about how much you're really worth. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You are going to offend, hurt or otherwise annoy a certain percentage of people no matter what you do. Even if you go out of your way to be helpful, humble and nice, some people will despise you for it. There's simply no pleasing everyone. You know this. Yet you sometimes persist in censoring yourself because you're scared some people won't like you. Since there's always going to be someone who hates you no matter which side of the fence you land on, why not do what you really want? Try it this week. I think you'll find that speaking your mind is a lot more fun than biting your tongue. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Oh, this universe is astounding in its complexity and chaotic simplicity, but the bottom line is it can't be really understood, not even the smallest part of it. You can create a working model of it, but don't pretend, even for a second, that you "get it." The more you think you comprehend the way the world works, the less you actually understand. Likewise, the more you know, the more you're aware of how much you don't. Your mistake is trying to reduce problems to simple mathematical equations?a profoundly simplistic method that's doomed to failure. You just can't convert emotions to numbers and have them add up the same way as before. Having said all that, I must add: it's the square root of one of your dreams that's preventing its realization. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) After traveling for months through Thailand and India, my friends and I converse in a probably incomprehensible mishmash of inside jokes and spontaneously created phrases. Although we find it all blindingly funny, I hope it's not too alienating to our friends in the States when we return. Like you, we've only sought (sometimes quite idiosyncratic) ways to cope with stressful situations and laugh at our problems. But there comes a time when you've got to drop your (albeit hilarious) defenses and just get real. For you, this week is that time.