Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) At times, your glance is so sharp it could cut a diamond. You're able to pull off moves this week that would daunt most superhero secret agents. Like that time you swatted the bullet out of the air without even looking, or when you caught the baby as she plummeted from a 23rd-floor balcony?you didn't even check your pace! So don't freak out when people flinch when you look at them. They're half expecting to be blasted to bits by a mutant energy ray. Don't let your uncanny prowess frighten people, though, if you can help it?not when it could impress them instead (and consequently get them into bed).
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) I have a group of friends that loves to ridicule itself. We constantly act like dorks, purely for our own amusement. We'll spend half an hour running around kicking our own asses just for sheer pleasure. It's hilarious to fall on our faces?but only because we know better. If being embarrassingly foolish wasn't a choice, it wouldn't nearly be as fun for us. So you've made some regrettable errors in the past weeks. You now have astrological permission to stop agonizing over your mistakes. This week, you're allowed to choose the wrong thing. Enjoy your mistakes, if you choose to make them. Otherwise, what's the point?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) This week, you're like a vial of some extremely potent (probably illegal) drug. A drop of you in a glass of water goes a long way. Your friends could have a lot of intense fun with you, properly diluted. You're a bit much to take full-strength right now, though. Too much of a good thing and people get way too messy. Spare yourself the drama. Water your manner down this week. Give folks just a tiny taste of you before you up the dosage and hook 'em for life.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Now that I've spent so long growing them, I wonder if I want dredlocks anymore. I suffer through this periodically. Constant self-questioning is exhausting, but it's the only thing that helps me feel sure that I'm still on the right path. Naturally, that's not the only way to live. Some people pick a hairstyle and stick with it until they notice their nieces sniggering at the family photos. Your coif may be up-to-date, but you've let other things slide. Relentless self-doubt isn't what I'm suggesting; change that drastic would be like cutting off 4 feet of hair. But you could use a little self-questioning, maybe the equivalent of trimming a little off the sides, especially around the ears.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Your dreamy ruling planet, Neptune, has drifted along in retrograde for so long that moving backwards now seems normal to you. This week, Neptune lurches back into forward motion again. "Damn it!" you may protest, "Just when I was getting good at steering my car in reverse!" I know it's a thrill to zoom around looking out your back window at all the shocked and horrified faces you pass. It may seem somewhat anticlimactic to start doing things the way everybody else does them. But putting your auto in drive has some powerful benefits, even if it's not as spectacular. You can go a lot faster, for one. For another, the authorities in question (like traffic cops, in this instance) are almost guaranteed to give you a lot less shit.
Aries (March 21-April 19) You look as sad and mopey as a bloodhound this week. Why, though? Things aren't so bad. Ah, shit. I'm sorry to be so presumptuous. Bloodhounds aren't actually sad all the time. Neither are you; you're just less enthused than usual. That's fine?you're so upbeat most of the year, you're entitled to a low-key week or two. Partially because of their gloomy, wrinkled faces, bloodhounds have an extraordinarily keen sense of smell. What special ability are you hiding behind your sour puss? I suggest you find out, and use it?before you perk up, get distracted and forget all about it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) I love my new (to me) forest-green Volvo station wagon (dubbed The Green Lantern). I've wanted one for years. You're due to receive something you've wanted, too?and you might feel a little shy about how goofily mundane it is. Don't be embarrassed?I'm proud to share my desire for a safe, reliable, practical vehicle with slightly predictable and unimaginative housewives everywhere. I look good in green. Go ahead, laugh. But own your desires, too, instead of being ashamed of them; they're sexier than you think.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) My sinuses hate me. They're so clogged, I can barely hear. It's awful feeling this disconnected from the outside world. I might as well have my hands clapped over my ears. It shocks me to think how some people choose to live this way?like you, Gemini. You've been walking around with your fingers in your ears all week. Why not sing nursery rhymes at the top of your lungs, too? You'd better start listening to that thing you don't want to hear. Unpleasant as it is, it's necessary to clue yourself in?before you lose the chance to respond to it, forever.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Jesus! There goes another one. That's the third bare-ass drive-by this week! What's compelling these people to wave their butt cheeks at you? It could be the full moon coming up next week?that always makes people randy for your kind of adventure. Personally, I think it's your waxing sex drive?folks just can't help showing off the goods they hope you'll sample. Or maybe they're just very, very bad girls or boys, itching for a spanking only you can deliver. So why were you feeling insulted, again? From where I'm standing, all those shiny white ass cheeks look like big, fat compliments.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Nothing is truly free. Let's say Jill gives you $50, sans strings. What are you paying for that cash? The opportunity to have earned the money yourself, at least. "Ha!" you scoff. "Small price!" Maybe, except that you might have become stronger, or more resourceful, or more self-aware in the process of working for those smackers. And your increased personal power might have resulted in greater rewards and opportunities down the line. Still, is it worthwhile? Probably: it is 50 bucks. But pay attention when you negotiate your next deal. Consider all the prices you might pay, not just what comes out of your pocket.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) I missed India today. I've been back in the States almost six months, and most of that time I've been glad to be back. India's lessons hover uncertainly in the back of my mind, not sure how to be integrated into my life here. I'm hoping, now that time has given me a little perspective on my experiences there, that I can finally figure out some of what I got out of my long trip to Asia. Maybe I'll finally learn to appreciate the bounty I have, instead of focusing on the things I feel I'm missing. It's about time, right? Hey, don't feel too superior. An old, old lesson?practically decrepit?is about to rear its wrinkled head, and unless you grasp its relevance to your current situation, you might have to learn it all over again. Better start studying, baby?you're going to look pretty silly if you have to repeat the third grade.
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