This Week's Horoscope

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Happy Birthday, etc., etc.? I'm loath to make a big stink about it this year, because even though this is your "special time," my astrological forecast has determined you're going to hog the spotlight for months to come, instead of properly yielding to the Cancers and Leos when it's their turn. So, excuse me if I don't congratulate you for securing your place on the top of the cosmic playground slide for the indefinite future. Just bring two handfuls of sand with you when you climb up. It's invaluable for throwing into usurpers' eyes, and it'll speed your descent when you finally decide to slide down. By that time, you'll want to make as quick a getaway as possible.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

This country is not facing an energy crisis. Apart from short-term energy shortages in California (which the government is notably failing to address), we're doing just fine in terms of sources of energy. I contend that the Bush administration is creating the illusion of a crisis to justify moves (like exploitation of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge) that would benefit?surprise, surprise?the oil and gas industries, to which the Bush family (among others) has deep and continuing ties. You're guilty of something similar?creating a stressful (for others, at least) situation in order to serve your own desires. Don't.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I finally did it. I shed three years of dreadlockage at Rudy's Barber Shop, ushering in the next chapter of Leo-hood, this time with short, rock 'n' roll hair. Although (and only my fellow Leos understand this; other signs regard me with righteous, wary skepticism) my mane had some major mojo, it also held some patterns and perceptions that might have held me back. I'm happier with my long locks in a bag under my bed, rather than weighing down my head. Cut something heavy out of your life this week, so you can keep up with me as I sprint to the next adventure.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Would you like a side of beef fat with that? McDonald's finally admitted (after years of petitioning by suspicious vegetarians) that "natural flavors" listed in their french fry ingredients include beef fat. Although they never explicitly said so, the implication of their dramatic shift to vegetable oil for their fries was that they were consequently acceptable for tofu- and bindi-heads to consume with abandon. Although they must've known this was a natural assumption, they opted not to correct it. To hell with Hindu religious beliefs or vegetarian moral convictions! There's a buck to be made! Allowing that certain someone to persist in a false belief about you will have long-term consequences (McDonald's must contend with cow dung-smeared Ronald statues in India, not to mention lawsuits). Come clean now about the secret ingredient in your special flavor, so people can honestly reject it?or enjoy it.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Often, Librans' essential likability has made your sign slightly repugnant to cynics like me. I'm a big fan of the underdog?and Libras almost never play that role. You're simply too pretty, talented or otherwise popular and successful. This is a classic example of how your strengths can work against you. Luckily, you rarely care to impress those who fail to be moved by your naturally stellar qualities. And, that's sort of?compelling. Don't try too hard to make yourself liked. Just be your sweet self, and let the flies come to your honey. It's the difference between being the blob, and being the bomb.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Last month, some Israelis expressed anger with their government's disproportionate retaliation to Palestinian bombings (using F-16 fighter planes, for example). Why? Their displeasure wasn't born of sympathy or a sense of fairness. Instead, they were concerned that Palestinian victims would consequently get more sympathy than Israeli casualties. Doing or feeling the "right thing" is pointless if motivated by the wrong reasons. Those Palestinians probably wouldn't want Israelis lobbying on their behalf if they knew where it was coming from. Don't twist things this week. Presenting your honest hatred instead of a backward sympathy will actually be appreciated.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Slowly, now. Don't startle him. Ever so gently, slide another feathered arrow from the quiver, cock your bow and take aim. It's tempting to move quickly, with prey in such easy reach, in plain sight. But your caffeinated aim is a little too shaky to leave anything to chance at this point. A sudden movement now could cause your nervous quarry to bolt in panic. Because I don't want to hear you whining about your spiritual hunger for another few months, I'm going to issue the same advice people have been?mostly in vain?throwing at Sags forever: Stick with the plan.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

W's reception last month at his alma mater, Yale, was extremely mixed, with boos and catcalls equaling cheers of support. Some students, garbed as trees or smokestacks, pointedly turned their backs on Bush when he began speaking, to reflect their quite justified belief that he's turned his back on the environment. I appreciate their unwillingness to simply let Bush ride on his questionable history with the school (he was a C student whose admission was at least partially based on family connections rather than individual merit). Instead, they called him out on the issues at hand. Like them, you've rarely been blinded by superficialities. Don't start now.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

European Parliament recently approved a new tobacco code that will put graphic photos depicting the harmful effects of smoking on cigarette packs. They're also forbidding words like "light" or "mild" because they may mislead smokers. Right on. Why mince words (or pictures) when it comes to something that will cost millions of people their lives. Half-measures haven't been cutting it for you, so give the EP's methods a try: If it takes looking at a blackened, cancerous lung to get your ass in gear and do what you've got to do, then, by all means, use it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

When science tackles the big questions, like speculating about the origins or boundaries of the universe, the resulting theories require more faith and imagination than believing in the Book of Genesis. From string theories to universal inflation, their quantum cosmology reflects a feeble scratching at the surface of what may be simply unknowable, at least anytime soon. Yet, I admire their fascination, curiosity and determination to weasel answers out of great mysteries. Figuring out something so big and complicated is almost like trying to get a clear picture of your own complex inner workings. Find yourself a good scientist this week to at least present us (and yourself) with a theory of what makes you tick. It'll be good for a laugh, at least?and it might give you a clue as to what you should do next.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

I don't know much about nuclear reactors, but I believe there's a period after things start to go wrong where you can still shut things down and save the whole operation. Beyond that point, the meltdown continues, and the only thing left to do is evacuate the area and never go back. In one of your most potentially explosive relationships, you are coming precariously close to meltdown point. Either find a way to pour on the coolant now, so you have something left to salvage, or put on your radiation suit and run like hell.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Being outspoken, totally un-p.c. and a little too Eurotrash for my own good has made me a really specific flavor that doesn't suit every palate. I guess my personality reflects my agenda as an artist?I'd much rather have a devoted cult following that stays with me through all my twists and turns than turn the heads of the fickle masses for a season or two. I'm all about The Big Picture these days?as you should be, since your sign looks a lot better there than in the fleeting moment. That's where some of your best qualities?consistency, loyalty, conviction and patience, among many others?shine. They're almost invisible during a brief encounter. Give people what they need to keep coming back for more this week, and count on the long haul to make it pay off.