This Week's Horoscope

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Germans who need an energy boost or a release from stress might try calling on Franziska Weber. She'll rent them a couple of minutes in her walk-in freezer, which is kept at an incredible negative 230 degrees (Fahrenheit). The cold stimulates a rush of endorphins so people feel upbeat and energized for hours afterward. Your rising internal temperatures might make you wish for access to some arctic chill. Ride your soulful heat over the mental mountain you've been dreading. If you really feel in danger of burnout, I hear oral sex with ice cubes is an effective cure. If that's not available, a cold shower will work, too. Just stay out of the freezer. It's not big enough for two?and you'll want company where you're going.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Don't crumple under the pressure. It's almost more important to appear confident than to get the answers right. If your teammates begin to mistrust you, it'll more likely be based on your own self-doubt than any actual failing of yours. It may sound like a strategy for a popular tv game show, but it'll work in your life, too. Chin up, baby?face your challenges squarely and without questioning yourself, and you won't have to face the crushing condemnation: "You are the weakest link. Goodbye."

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

I apologize for warning so many people about you. It's for your own good?by your own admittance, you're a handful. By screening out the wimps, I've spared you at least some heartache and disappointment. And those still interested know your immense passion, kinky imagination and phenomenal intuition (all scheduled to shine during the Scorpio full moon on the 7th) more than compensate for any tough aspects of being intimate with you. Don't harp bitterly about those who've passed you over; sparkle for those contemplating making a pass.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Your boots are ankle deep in the muck. That's okay. You've let yourself sink so deep in the sucking mud of routine because you're happy there. You like where you are, at least for now. It's better than living in your car or working the street corner, things you might not have turned your nose up at a few weeks back. It's healthy to do the "same ol', same ol'" thang occasionally. Allow yourself to gear up for the next magnificent leap forward through this boggy patch. The fen's fickle pathways are shifting. Don't vary your routine yet?but maybe start poking the ground ahead of you with a long stick. Figure out in advance the driest spot to put your feet when it's time to move on.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I swear you'd forget your own gender if you didn't have the toilet seat to remind you ("It's up: I'm a guy"). You get so embroiled in the needs of the moment that currently irrelevant information is thrown by the wayside (e.g., you might forget if you're a chick or a dick unless you're peeing or having sex). The next time you remember it, tell your friends what your deepest lifelong dream is. Then ask them to remind you, often. Being fully present is admirable, but don't let your ambition take backstage to your current crap job. Make sure your army of talents is set on conquering the right country, even if you have to call in a legion of reinforcements to remind you which one that is.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Peter Cochrane is designing technology to interface with the human mind and body. One of his projects is the "Soul Catcher," a microchip that he hopes will eventually be capable of recording an entire lifetime's worth of perception. While I'm fascinated with the concept (which, in combination with cloning, promises a sort of immortality), I'm also turned off by it, as it implies that a person's soul is no more than a combination of his neural patterns and genetic blueprint. I disagree. It's moot?at this point, the only way to make sure a piece of yourself extends beyond your lifetime is to make something, be it a kid, a movie or a sentimental horoscope. This week, create at least one thing you can put a little piece of yourself into.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You're a snowball in spring. You're a sexy yeti, slightly befuddled by all the warmth and sunshine. So you're a little out of sync with the seasons?it won't stop you from attracting more mothlike admirers than a lonely Georgia porchlight on a summer night. You're a magical rarity at this time of year, and ought to have people lining up for a bask in your ultra-coolness, or to catch a whiff of the minty chill of your breath. Work it, Bigfoot. Next time you emerge from your glacial den you might be more abominable and less adorable. Nab a sweet, warm-blooded midnight snack while you can.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I just overhead a conversation that made me physically ill. Two men in their 30s spent an hour consoling themselves for not doing anything interesting with their lives. Their actual words, "Life is supposed to be boring," summed up their entire talk. I don't mention it because I worry you'd ever leap to such a depressing conclusion. Yeah, right. Actually, I think it should be your purpose in life (especially this week) to go around disabusing people of such tedious notions. I don't care if they're 19, 39 or 99?if anyone thinks it's too late to do something interesting with her life, I want you to be there to convince her otherwise.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

After a tedious play on the U Mass campus, I sneaked Amy and Dan into the ceramics studio where I was taking a class on throwing pottery on the wheel. We shook off the theater ennui we'd contracted by playing with clay?probably a little too enthusiastically. By the time we emerged from our illicit mud-pie-making, we were covered head to foot in a sticky brown layer of goo. I remember the night clearly, because the reactions and interactions we had there, on the bus and at home that night, were so genuine. Feeling a little stuck? Cover yourself in something (mud, feathers, glitter, paint, leather, etc.) and go out. After that, I challenge you (and those you encounter) to not be real.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Your ambition this week is akin to: "If I concentrate hard enough, I just might be able to punch through a sheet of paper!" Could it be that you're not aiming your sights high enough? I'm not suggesting that you have the power to smash brick walls with your fist (though I won't swear you don't, either). I'm tired of repeating myself, so please, please get the message this time: you can accomplish anything you set your mind to, and not the tiniest bit more.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I'm so sick of tonsil infections. I must have the weakest tonsils around; every time I get the slightest bit run-down, they flare up and get sore. While I resent the inconvenience of having such fragile tonsils, I try to look at the silver lining of such a flaw: they're excellent warning signs, and if I heed them, I can often avert really coming down with something. Now that I think about it, it's not such a bad trade-off: a short-lived sore throat instead of a two-week flu. Rather than belaboring the minor shit that's bound to befall you this week, notice all the crappy stuff you managed to avoid. Despite your minor misfortunes, you're luckier than you think.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You're toothier than a shark, faster than a cheetah and sexier than a mermaid in heat. I feel sorry for any prey on your hit list this week: they're not likely to escape. But act fast. Since Mars, your ruling planet, is about to go retrograde (appear to move backward in the sky) you could lose some of these stunning attributes. Anything you can't accomplish as a crippled, toothless old woman, you'd better do this week. If you're swift and ruthless enough now, you could have someone to spoon-feed you then, which will make gumming your food in a wheelchair not nearly so bad.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)