Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) I appreciate that you're into new things, Libra. Experimentation is good. But the alternatives you've been trying recently are sort of the equivalent of trying to find a different route to work using the sewer system instead of the street. So stop crawling through dirty, shit-filled tunnels just to find a shortcut to the office. The lingering piss smell is sure to hurt your job in the long run, not to mention how silly you look; on the surface, someone's gone to all this trouble to map out your best routes with luxurious red carpet. So climb up out of the sewers, give yourself a pat on the back for your own open-mindedness and enjoy the luxury of knowing not only where you're going, but the best way to get there.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Villains are often misunderstood. In Wicked, a chronicle of the underrated and overfeared "Wicked Witch of the West," Elpheba's sad story is told?how she fought against the evil, deceitful and oppressive usurper (known as "The Wizard of Oz") and was a champion of Animal (the talking kind) rights, only to be destroyed by poor, ignorant Dorothy, who swallowed the wizard's slanderous propaganda hook, line and sinker. What didn't work for the witch will work for you, though. In fact, you should hope for some good old-fashioned slander: it'll distract folks from the real issues at hand and leave you free to do some real good. Meanwhile, don't worry about being perceived as the bad guy?they get laid more often, anyway.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) I'd like to take a class in auto mechanics. I'm digging pumping up my repertoire of butch skills. You've never had a problem flaunting a macho attitude?even if you're a girl. It's subtler skills that have eluded you sometimes, like tact, and manipulation. Don't scoff. You've never needed such pathetically cheap tricks before, it's true?but are you really in a position to turn up your nose at any tools that could help you get what you want?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Next week, Daddy Saturn's going to start retracing his steps?as if his normal progress weren't slow and cautious enough! In any case, don't stress too much this week. If you screw it up, chances are you'll get another chance to try it next week. Don't give up on making forward progress, though, even if your ruling planet's decided to backslide a bit. You've just got to think of a more creative way to do it, as the usual means probably won't be effective. Something like heading in the direction you want to go, but walking backwards and navigating with a mirror. You might crash into an obstacle or two this way, but hey?it builds character.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) I dreamt you were navigating an antique fanboat around a Louisiana bayou. Smoking a corncob pipe filled with glowing mushrooms, lasso whirling overhead, you were snaring alligators with your golden lariat. I love this vision because it perfectly captures the direction you ought to take?instead of trying to conquer the city streets (already occupied turf) with your charm, be the Ruler of your own mystical swamp. Clarity, as a goal, may be a bit too lofty for the moment. But neither should you simply sit back on your floating throne and contemplate the mysterious gloom. There are dangers lurking beneath the surface of your private murk. Hunt them down and hog-tie them!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Get in the shower. Turn on the cold tap and blast yourself until you're thoroughly chilled. I know it's not comfortable, but I want you to be alert without being clouded by hormones and grand thoughts that could lead to, er, precipitous action. In other words, I don't want you blowing your load before the full moon in your sign next week. Big things could happen, if you're primed and ready for them. So don't climax prematurely by allowing yourself to run amok this week; keep it cool and anticipate getting all sticky and wild when the time is really right.
Aries (March 21-April 19) You and the President have a lot in common this week. Just like Bill, you're gearing up to step down after a long and fairly successful rule. You're probably not literally leaving a job, but you are getting ready to give up at least some symbolic influence in some area of your life. You've just got a little bit of time left in the hot seat. Better push those last few desired changes through; it'll make your life a lot smoother if you can clear away at least some obstacles now. Make diplomatic visits to those countries you've neglected so they don't declare war when you're on vacation. Remember, giving up control can be fun.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Don't cling to how your friends used to be. I know you liked them the way they were when you first met them, but the fact is, no one can be as consistent and reliable and predictable as your highest ideal?not even you. Anyone who's truly alive needs to change. Trust the people you love to choose their transformations as wisely as you choose your own. Don't keep your friends in the boxes you made for them way back when. Let them grow. They'll appreciate it, and you will too, once you figure out how much cooler they are this way.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) You're suddenly granted permission to tour the most fabulously tempting and wonderful place you can imagine. Unfortunately, the authorities here are most unreasonable and unpredictable. Only the vestiges of innocent goodness in your heart could protect you here. Starting to sound a little too Willy Wonka for you? Well, a review of the movie could serve you well this week. Don't stress out too much, though?just like in that magical candy factory, the punishments for your disobedience promise to be almost as interesting and exciting as the rewards.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Write down your dreams! Combine the full moon in Pisces of next week with my own string-pulling and conspiring (on your behalf) and you're very likely to receive an important message in your sleep from one or more of the following: A) your own higher self; B) your fairy godmother; C) benevolent aliens; or D) your future grandchildren. Listen to what they say! Heeding your sleep-time messages could mean the difference between being truly awake these next few months and snoring through it all.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Believe me, I want to be in coast mode, too. But you've got to spend some time in overachiever mode so you can rack up accomplishments to feel proud about when you're doing the slacker social thing. So let your popularity slide?this isn't high school, after all. If this were high school, you'd be busy accumulating straight As, awards in debate club, football, and the lead in the school play. So who has time to be the most popular girl in school? Get shit done instead?you'll have time to rule the In Crowd later.
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