This Week's Horoscope

Just because you've stumbled onto E-Z Street doesn't mean it's time to be La-Z-Boy. You've hit upon a remarkably rich streak of good fortune. Not taking advantage of it would be like a miner discovering a vein of gold, taking a chunk and ordering the mine sealed. Come on. You know she wouldn't rest until she'd sucked every drop of yellow blood out of the mountain, then laughed all the way to the bank. Don't squander your luck. Work it, hard. You can't lose this week, but you can only win if you bother to play the game.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

In their two-man show out of Australia, Puppetry of the Penis, Simon Morley and David Friend twist their genitals into a variety of shapes, including (but hardly limited to) a bulldog, a fruit bat and a skateboard. It takes a bold, imaginative mind to envision crafting a career from the "ancient art of genital origami." Take inspiration from them, as you consider your next few steps. If you're enough of a visionary this week you may even discover a way to make playing with yourself lucrative.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

The paychecks I earned at the ill-fated company iNetNow.com are long since spent. The skills (how to efficiently surf the Web for information) I learned there, however, still serve me well today. Plucking what I wish from the vastness and chaos of the virtual realm is a powerful tool. I thought I was getting a job; instead I got paid to learn a valuable skill. The endeavor you're plugged into at the moment (could be a job, relationship or project) is similar: it's not the end you envisioned, but a stepping-stone to the real thing, which is closer than you think.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

In order to continue the family line, some desperate wives are (artificially, presumably) inseminated with sperm from their husbands' fathers. Yuck. The repugnant process of being squirted with your father-in-law's juices is only compounded with the reality of bearing your own husband's half-brother. All this for the dubious benefit of continuing his (obviously wimpy, given his infertility) genetic line. Thank you for sharing my distaste, despite your powerful domestic instincts. Sometimes people take an idea too far. Case in point: You're going to equally grotesque lengths to extend the "life" of something that by all rights should die. Let evolution take its course. Take the relationship off life support, hand in your resignation and by all means turn away any questionable sperm.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I'm still debating cutting off my dredlocks. I'm not overly attached to them?two and a half years is about two years longer than I normally keep a hairstyle. Actually, I hesitate because I'm aware of the transformative power haircuts have for our tribe, especially a dramatic change like this one. I don't want to waste it. Yeah, it's silly?but I bet you understand how a coif change can mean a life change. Having people perceive you differently allows you to act differently. Feeling a bit stagnated? The answer's obvious: get out the clippers and expose the new you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Getting things done "the usual way" is simply no longer effective. Color outside the lines this week; shake things up a little. Take inspiration from activist Dona Nieto, also known as La Tigresa, who bared her breasts to loggers in an attempt to stop them from destroying ancient redwoods. Boob-flashing not only stops logging in the short-term, but it can wreak long-term change. Her tactics attract media attention, and the public eye is suddenly focused on her goal: the preservation of dwindling old-growth forests. The lesson: You have more tools at your disposal than you think. Accomplishing the daunting task at hand is a cinch, if you can just figure out which buttons to press.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Even your mother isn't returning your calls. It seems like the whole world has turned against you, or at least away from you, during weeks like these. However, would you be willing to believe that the neglect you've experienced lately is just a coincidence? You haven't fallen from grace. Your spotlight hasn't sputtered into darkness, only been eclipsed by some more immediate events in your loved ones' lives. Be patient?their distraction is only temporary, and you're sure to resume your role as local beauty queen?as long as you don't drive everyone away by harping on their momentary lapses.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Who are these idiots that put so much money behind a project as lame as another Crocodile Dundee movie? When there's so much amazing work being done, much of it underfunded (and therefore largely unknown), it pisses me off to see millions of dollars flushed after a formulaic, has-been-vehicle sequel to a movie that wasn't very good in the first place. It probably won't even make the studio any money. It's an artistic, financial and cultural nightmare. Don't make the mistake made by those stupid showbiz execs?research what you put your heart, soul and wallet behind. Don't settle. There's something worthy of you, I promise. Please hold out until you find it.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The town of Berkeley, CA, recently decided to discard the use of the term "owner" in reference to pets. Lame use of time and energy, admirable intention. I have a hard time saying I own my hound, Eli. How could I own a creature that lives his life with so much more grace, serenity and equanimity than I do? The reality is I'm responsible for protecting him from things he can't possibly understand, like cars, inedible dead pigeons, pot-smoking hippies and mean old ladies with canes. But I don't own him. I guide him, but he also guides me. Don't take your superiority for granted, Sag. That innocent creature (at least in your mind) you've been taking care of has more to teach you than you think.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Whoops, you missed April Fool's Day again. If only you had time for practical jokes. The mischievous Geminis and Aries who are notorious pranksters aren't usually good enough to fool me. In fact, the only whopper I've swallowed in recent memory was deep-fried by a member of your tribe (he convinced me I'd won $10,000). Jokes almost invariably get bumped by more important things on your agenda. I wish they wouldn't. Surprises make a bigger impression and form more lasting memories than you think. This week, as you continue to build up the legend that is your life, take a break from the big accomplishments (your resume's plump with them already) and add a few small but highly memorable footnotes.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

While I applaud our president for agreeing to at least consider not despoiling one of our most valuable (priceless) natural sanctuaries, the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, I can't advocate his rejection of the Kyoto Protocol, a huge multinational agreement to cut down global warming gases. Since the United States is responsible for a quarter of greenhouse gas emissions, his refusal to sign the treaty (on the basis of economic factors) is shortsighted, irresponsible and blatantly arrogant. Spoiled First Worlders might appreciate this move for the moment, but I doubt history will look favorably on W. I truly wish he had your perspective on the Big Picture. Do us all?including President Bush?a favor this week and teach us to look beyond our wallets, noses and neighborhoods. History will thank you later.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I like to imagine the classes where people learn to compose the orchestral music that provides the soundtrack to virtually every tv commercial and most programs. Designed specifically to manipulate people's emotions without calling attention to itself (in fact, if you pay attention specifically to it, it becomes laughably ineffective), it's a very devious art. Your powers of persuasion could benefit from an application of a similar technique. Since your current agenda's so challenging, don't hesitate to use underhanded methods (like an emotionally charged soundtrack, pheromones or subliminal suggestions) to get your way.

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