This Week's Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Years ago, Sarah, Lauren and I went to the Pine Forest behind Hampshire College one night. I got naked and danced around the fields while they got all witchy on me and sang beautifully inharmonious melodies. Meanwhile, the moon set, and in the ensuing darkness I couldn't find my clothes. I had to return to campus naked and wandered back through my dorm fantastically exposed. With the new moon in your sign this week, you're likely to have a similar experience to mine?magical, but likely to make you lose your shirt (and maybe your pants). That's hardly a bad thing; a lot of great things can happen with your clothes off, as you know.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Like every good chef, I don't take any recipe at face value. I tweak it, making slight alterations and additions to suit my particular tastes. Works for philosophies, too. One person's delicious joy is another's putrid nightmare. I've been perfecting my recipe for sustainable happiness. Often the ideal ingredients are simply not on hand, so substitutions must be made. But I've made great strides toward identifying some of the key base components, which include: regular screwing, frequent, nominal crying (no more than a tear or two necessary) and a sense of daily accomplishment. Many additional ingredients could be folded into the batter like dark chocolate chips, but none keep my notorious moods in check quite so well. This week, work on your own happiness recipe, then go out and get enough of the basic ingredients to keep them in stock for months to come.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

In many of Shakespeare's plays, the characters enter the woods, the unknown, and the world becomes surreally festive; suddenly people can take on roles or act in ways they'd never touch in ordinary life. No foreign concept for you Gems?you're famously openminded, and open to trying pretty much anything. Having such an accepting attitude has drawbacks, though?where are the shocks and surprises? Everyone should have his or her own version of the deep, dark woods, where the unknown can lurk and the unexpected can occur. This week, find your woods, and go there.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You little horndog! Who can blame you? With your Aries new moon fooling around with the sun and Venus, you're bound to feel frisky. Frolic away?but don't get distracted from the real opportunities this week, beyond getting off: force yourself to harness some of this spirited force and marshal a plan for your immediate future. Where do you want your relationships to go? If you can figure that out, you'll then have the power to take them there.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

My poor, dignified Lion. Your recent treatment is insufferable. It's made you feel like a victim (albeit of your own desires) for way too long. Stop. Empower yourself. With the new moon rubbing dimpled elbows with a strong Aries sun, you've got the strength of 10 men (or seven women). Seize what power you can. You can't possibly force the source of your disappointments to give you the respect you want and deserve. Trying would only make you a tyrant. However, you can keep them from ever having the chance to disrespect you again. Cut them off?preferably without drama. Remember: you're supposed to be dignified.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I adore being sore. You know that lovely ache you experience the day after horseback riding or snowboarding when you haven't been in a while? Those underused muscles complain deliciously about their recent exertion. How long has it been since you experienced that sensation? When was the last time you varied your usual routine? This week, concentrate on doing something you're not so used to that will work out muscles you've rarely used in recent times, like your tongue.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

The Taliban rulers of Afghanistan ordered the destruction of ancient, pre-Islamic Buddhist relics, which they considered idols. It's their prerogative to strictly interpret their own religious texts, regardless of our own skewed judgments. I can't advocate the wholesale destruction of art, especially with such unique historical value (among some of the largest and oldest Buddhist statuary in existence), but I'm frankly more concerned with the fates of many of the people who suffer under such a regime, like the women, who can't have jobs or rights or skin showing. Get my drift? Your intentions are good, just a little off the mark. Shift your attention from the unfeeling (if beautiful) stone to the suffering human being next door.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Ah, rainy nights and country music. There's something so deliciously sad about parking at the edge of an abandoned graveyard, watching rain roll down your windshield and listening to the tragically twangy drawl of the folk and country station. It's the perfect soundtrack to your own private movie. I've spent hours feeling pleasurably sorry for myself, and, by extension, everyone I knew. It's good to tap into that compassionate place periodically. This week, turn on your sympathy station and have a good, pleasant mope.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

The Superfriends seemed to always be on call, just hanging around in their Legion of Honor or Hall of Justice, or whatever it was, just waiting for a crisis. It's difficult to imagine a sense of duty or responsibility so powerful it becomes that consuming. I mean, that place didn't even have a pool table or anything! I guess that's how it is when you're doing something you love. There's not much point in doing anything else. Don't waste time with that other bullshit if you've found one of your special callings. If you haven't?put down the pool cue. You've got work to do.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

I often don't even notice a scratch or cut until it's halfway healed. It's not that they don't hurt; once I take note of them they smart plenty. But some part of my brain has decreed, for efficiency's sake, to limit the types of stimuli it will directly deal with at any given time. Evidently, these small hurts fell beneath conscious notice, in favor of bigger, more exciting and important things. Unfortunately, even a little scratch, if not properly cared for, can get infected and turn into one of those aforementioned big problems. The point? In the name of efficiency, you're overlooking some tiny problems that'd be a snap to deal with now, if only you would. Why don't you do so, before they become giant, pus-filled messes?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Perhaps you're finally prepared to notice that the connection you've been so dutifully nurturing is nothing more than a well-fed illusion. No matter how much you stuff into it, it'll never be more than a slap-happy poltergeist. Continuing to believe in it at this point is like cuddling up to a blinking neon light for warmth. Quit your unhealthy addiction to your own ideas. The real thing is out there. All you need to do is cut yourself free and go find it.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

One of my greatest personal challenges has been to resolve hugely disparate internal impulses, taking this bundle of contradictions I call "me" and forging some workable whole. What!? Conflicting urges? I'm certain you identify. How to combine my healthy cynicism with my delightful job as a new-age astrologer? Is there a way to be radiantly open and up-front without scaring people with my darkly powerful sexual side? I'm clueless about what your internal conflicts might be (you're a mystery to everyone, darling). But I do know you're closer to resolving one of them than ever before. You'll be amazed at how simple the solution is. Don't waste time kicking yourself, though, when you could be enjoying it.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:Caeriel@yahoo.com)