Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Somehow, you manage to look appealing and glamorous even when mopping up a disastrously overflowing toilet. I've seen you successfully flirt while scooping kitty litter, showing off your dishpan hands or bathing the dog. But just because you're capable of making such a good impression even in these most unappealing situations doesn't mean you have to do all your own dirty work. In fact, if you can't avoid dirty work completely this week, delegate. Your appointee might even do a better job. Most importantly, it will free you to finally do the vital (and sparklingly clean) task you assigned yourself months ago.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) "From now on, I resolve to seize all my wicked pleasures, regardless of the consequences. I vow to take what I want, without considering who it might fuck over. Nice guys just don't get any action." I bet all of this has crossed your mind at least once or twice this past week. There's even some truth there. But truly evil, mean people end up bitter and alone more often than the boringly nice ones, I promise you. Luckily, there is a middle ground. You're allowed to be naughty, and you wear mischief well. Just remember there's a difference between stepping on someone's toes and elbowing him in the face and knocking him down.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) I admit it. I'm guilty of anthropomorphizing my dog. For those of you who aren't total geeks, anthropomorphism is attributing human emotions to an animal (or car, or whatever) that it probably doesn't feel. Dogs pant because they're hot. They also tend to look like they're smiling, which leads one to the conclusion that they're happy. This may even be true?but it's very hard (if not impossible) to know for sure. Similarly, you've been projecting. It's understandable, so don't kick yourself too hard. But just because a situation makes you feel a certain way, it's a false assumption that it's affecting someone else similarly. So back away from that smiling dog before he bites your goddamn hand off.
Aries (March 21-April 19) "Someone dared me," does not hold up in court as a valid reason for anything. You get busted so rarely that you've forgotten how shitty it feels. Temper your evilest urges this week. That badass readiness you've got going on is sexy. But it's dangerous, too. I'm not advising you to chill out completely?I know how taking chances gets your blood flowing. Just choose your risks wisely. Keep your stunts within the realm of the merely eccentric instead of the outrageously illegal?so if you're asked to answer for your actions they can credibly fall into the categories of thoughtless, youthful pranks, or slightly offbeat practices of your new religion.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) For your reading pleasure this week, I present my theory of Big Love: As opposed to the very Hollywood concept of True Love (or "The One"), the Big Love Theory (or BLT) is much more flexible and realistic. According to blockbuster romances, everyone has a special someone out there, her other half. Only one person on the entire planet. The BLT invents the possibility that there's at least a handful (and possibly many more) who can work that synergistic magic with you throughout your life (even if only one at a time). The BLT ups your chances of finding the deep love you crave, or of rediscovering it if you've already lost it once. Don't go with Hollywood. That concept you've been desperately clinging to is beautiful?but it only works in the movies.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) I've been watching the skies lately. Ever since I made friends with a helicopter pilot I've been half-expecting him to zip by and show off. I never even paid any special notice to choppers before he came along and infected me with his enthusiasm for the subject. This week you're likely to receive a slice of life that you've never even thought about tasting before, or someone new might be asking for the exotic flavor (at least to him) of yours.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Your dog regards you as a member of his pack, and would never hurt you on purpose. This is true regardless of the (sometimes formidable) size of your canine. Cats, on the other hand, could never be pets if they weren't so small. A kitten the size of a Great Dane puppy would probably kill or severely wound her owner the first time she felt playful. I can appreciate, admire and enjoy many feline qualities, but they don't merit my trust. Why have I explained my perceptions of these two creatures at such length? Only because the new person in your life is trying to figure out which you're more like: goofy, friendly and basically harmless (despite being large and powerful); or beautiful, graceful and sly, with retractable claws and an unpredictable temper. I know you're both these things, depending on your mood. Which you present is up to you.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Like all of us, you've got a lot of different mental trips going on. Some are short, quick and mildly disorienting, like airplane travel. Others are comfortable, eccentric and companionable, like cross-country train journeys. A few are more private, like road trips with your best friends. And some (one in particular) are like deep, slow journeys underground. Since most of your day-to-day thoughts have been pretty sunny and easygoing recently, you might not have noticed the glimmer that's appeared in the tunnel of one of your darkest and longest journeys. Go ahead and get your hopes up?that particular adventure is almost over.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Is Tony Robbins Satan? I've sometimes wondered, considering his slightly creepy appearance, his deep, sinister voice and his diabolical success. As compelling as it is, I don't believe my theory. His prosperity is more likely due to aggressiveness, obsessive efficiency and good luck. I only bring up this distasteful example because you, too, risk being condemned unfairly for your own achievements this week. Don't let accusations of demonic assistance shake you up, though. What you've accomplished is not only 100 percent yours, it's only the beginning of what you will achieve, if only you don't stop now.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) The home stretch feels good, doesn't it? Now you can finally stop pacing yourself and open up, use your last reserves in a mad sprint to the finish line. But this horoscope doesn't concern that?I have no doubt you're going to completely destroy your old record time. I'm more interested in being your no-nonsense coach, the one who asks you even as you stagger triumphantly from the track, trophy in hand: "Have you started thinking about the next one yet?"
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) He may not even love her. She may just be an outlet from the stresses of his married life, an escape from his wife (whom he professes to really love, even if they're having some problems right now). The other woman's just a tramp, right? But because she's in on the deception (being an integral part of it), she's privy to honesty about the rest of his life that his own wife may never hear about. It's fucked up the way one fiction can block the way (for his poor spouse) to all of the truth. So go ahead and lie, if you feel you must. Just be aware that the ripples from your falsehood spread a lot farther and stir up more shit than you think.
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