I visited Dad in his quaint little Gold Rush mountain town, with all its yuppified shops peddling their "exotic," overpriced wares to wealthy city folk intent on spending money during their weekend B&B getaways. As you might imagine, I was bored out of my mind. Don't waste your time. Sometimes these little side trips are required of you?as in when familial duty calls. Occasionally, if you explore them deeply and thoroughly enough, you can still eke something useful or enlightening out of them. But not this time. Since you're hardly obligated right now, when you see the sign for "Dead End Street" or "No Through Traffic," drive past. The street (or, in your case, darkened alley) that will most interest you is just a few intersections farther along.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
He couldn't decide which was more painful?the subzero sea he dove into or the literally boiling waters issuing from the submerged volcano. Trying?almost in vain?to stay in the thin margin where the two intolerable temperatures blended slightly, my friend Peter paddled frantically. He felt this was an archetypal instant, perhaps symbolic of the extremes of his trip to both Antarctica and Buenos Aires. Too busy gasping for air to grasp the significance of the moment, he trusted that it would be obvious to him later. You're in the middle, straddling two similar extremes, as well?which is why you feel so incredibly conflicted. Just keep riding that fence?crotch be damned?for a little longer. You'll be glad you did. Why? Because you'll realize later that for once you got to have your cake and eat it too?and it wasn't all that great.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
When Marge Simpson (from The Simpsons, duh) cries: "An alligator with sunglasses?! Now I've seen everything!" I have to shake my head. She's delighted with the predictable decor of an ultra-cheesy family restaurant. Like so many Americans, she's enthused about the shallow, pathetically empty, manufactured experiences we're encouraged to digest in this country. No wonder you're always hungry?how could anyone feel full on such a bland, sterile, nutritionless diet? There are authentic experiences to be had, though. This week, dodge the cookie-cutter circumstances of network television, corporate theme parks, tourism packages and retail traps. Instead, give yourself a real treat, if you remember how: do something genuine, have an adventure that hasn't been prepared for you ahead of time.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I'd rather be lonely than compromise. I'm not into settling for anyone. Many people hear the tiresome cliche that relationships are about compromise, and they take that to mean they should compromise their standards in order to have one. While it's true that no one can ever live up to your fantastical ideal mate, that's no sanction to open your arms and heart to someone you find merely acceptable. Because I have a feeling you're experiencing one of your weak moments, I just wanted to pass along this encouragement: you will get (though probably a little later rather than sooner, unfortunately) exactly what you hold out for.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Is he flirting? He went out of his way to repeatedly compliment my bad dye job (dark brown in the box turned to black on my head). Interpreting which side of the naughty/nice line his behavior falls on is beyond me at the moment. Whatever. I don't really give a shit. Your dilemma is similar?it could only be relevant if you were personally invested. Since you obviously couldn't give a rat's ass, why are you even wondering what's going on in the other person's head? Quit it?save your obsessions for when they're really warranted.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
A couple years ago, when I first started writing "Sign Language," my roommates (at the time) confronted me and demanded that I exclude them and all their behavior from the horoscopes. They felt uncomfortable knowing that anything they said or did could potentially be encapsulated in an instructive paragraph for total strangers. I understood their concerns and complied with their requests. After all, I had to live with these people. There's something to be said for clinging to principle in the face of hardship or opposition?but choose your battles carefully, my dear Crab. In that case (and, possibly, yours) it simply wasn't worth it?the meager stories I gleaned from my poor roommates didn't merit garnering their anger. So I let it go. Perhaps you should, too?
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
My avocado pit won't sprout. It just sits in its toothpick tripod, sullen, moist and unresponsive. I'm frankly losing patience with it. I don't mind late bloomers, but duds suck. Your own hope-filled seed hasn't yet responded to filtered water, full-spectrum sunlamps or your love. If only there were some kind of guarantee! Since there's no assurance of results, quit before you get bitter. In other words, if you can possibly enjoy the labor involved, by all means keep doing it?you may even be rewarded with an optimistically green sprout in a week (or 10). Otherwise, quit while you're ahead. The dud may surprise you by poking out a baby leaf after you throw it in the trash.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
I'm eager to paint emerald flames on the sides of Svetlana, the Green Lantern, my trusty Volvo station wagon. She needs that sporty edge so everyone will realize just how cool practicality and reliability are these days. Everyone needs them. But in these superficial times, packaging is crucial. So many people already realize your superior value and quality; for those who don't, consider sprucing yourself up to appeal to their shallow sensibilities?give yourself a racing stripe or some new bumpers.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Pointy man-nipples disgust me. If you're as unlucky as I am, you've seen the type: they look like breakfast sausages poking out of sagging pecs. Ironically, these are usually not accidents of birth?they require cultivation to grow to such monstrous proportions. Some people, evidently, really enjoy them, though. It just goes to show: What repulses one person attracts another?often with equal power. So what if you're not so-and-so's cup of tea? There's someone else, I promise, who can't wait to slurp you down?or chew on your nipples for hours, if that's what spanks your monkey.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Oh my goth. I went for dark brown, but on my head the dye turned black. Since my Miss Clairol disaster, I've actually been enjoying my dramatically darkened 'do, though. It makes me look more dangerous, if only marginally. Suddenly I have an inkling of how it feels to be you. Consequently, I'm concerned. It must make you feel pretty powerful to be carrying around such a deadly stinger. This isn't a good week to get cocky about it, though. Keep your venomous prick tucked away for once. There's always someone out there with a bigger dick?and they're more willing to act like one than you ever will be.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Someone you love has been trying to change your mind for quite some time now. Unfortunately, she'd have an easier time wearing through a stucco wall with her face. She's managed to paint the surface of your beliefs (with her own blood), but at what cost? I love the way you seek the truth and cling resolutely to it once you find it?but aren't you ever wrong? Give your poor friend a chance this week?and not that patronizing "open-minded" look you give people you don't really respect. Be prepared to actually change your mind. Then, if all the facts line up?do it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I favor geographical solutions to emotional problems. One sure method of healing wounds, physical or otherwise, is time. But when you can't afford to wait, spiritual hurts can be at least partially remedied with a change of scenery. Get in the car and drive. Hitchhike if you have to. Buy a cheap plane ticket and disappear for an entire week. Get the hell out of Dodge. Take it from me: It's hard to imagine how lounging on a paradisiacal beach could change your outlook until you try it?and this is a good week to do so.
[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:Caeriel@yahoo.com)