Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Poor haggard you. It's rough when some of the innumerable balls you're juggling sprout spikes or burst into flame. As if you didn't have enough to take care of already! But remember, it's easy to be charming and theatrical and do lots of tricks when everything is simple and under control. The true challenge is to shine despite hardship. So ignore the copious bloodshed from your numerous stigmatic puncture wounds, and the third-degree burns on your wrists from the flaming fireballs you don't dare drop. Smile a genuine smile?remember, you chose this. Trust me: you're doing exactly what you love to do, even if it hurts a little. So enjoy it.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) As I watch the automobile dance of the Los Angeles freeway, I'm struck by beauty, oddly enough. There's something about the way the cars string themselves along the line of the road like colorful beads on a necklace around the throat of L.A., especially at night, when the taillights seem to swoop and dart in eerie unison and grace, like a school of fish. Don't disparage your own recent tendencies to notice gorgeousness where everyone else sees crap. They'll come around, and when they jump on the bandwagon, it's your turn to drive.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Have you been using an egg timer to keep track of your sleep periods? You look about that weary and nervous. This strange combination of exhaustion and anxiety isn't right for you. It works if you've just spent a grueling (if fun) day at the amusement park. Only you haven't. Girl, get some goddamn beauty sleep. The zombie look is so out. Stop driving yourself to distraction. Let yourself get more than three minutes' rest at a time. Life will wait?you catch up. It's simpler than you imagine. In fact, you can do it in your sleep (and only there).
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) I just spent a good 15 minutes outside, playing with my friends and a parachute. We reminisced about elementary school summer camp ("Okay, everyone?up and underneath!" and "Bounce the ball!"). Fun for about five minutes, but that overlooks its real (and more compelling) purpose: to gently catch a plummeting human being after she's hurled herself from an airplane. Sort of reminds me of the slight twist you've been applying to one of the aspects of your own life. I wouldn't call it misuse, exactly, as it's been at least mildly amusing. But you have been neglecting its real potential. Stop flapping around ineffectually on the ground?it's time to practically fly.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) During my exhausting car hunt last week, I met folk I'd never have encountered otherwise. I examined Volvos spanning decades and dramatic extremes of condition. I carefully interviewed the owners about their cars' histories and scrutinized the paperwork. In the end, though, buying a used car (like the step you're about to take) is a leap of faith, despite any and all preparations. Take reasonable precautions, naturally. But stop there. You may crash and burn on your next step?but you could fly, and there's nothing more you can do, either way.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) All it took was a hard bump. The neighbor's car hit mine. Little Beige, my trusty Volvo, sans driver, rolled majestically, silently, down the hill, gradually picking up speed. The steering wheel took on a life of its own as it veered around the numerous cars parked on either side of the road, sailed between a pair of them and slammed into the most solid thing around, a brick house. This brief chronicle of my last car's last moments reminds me of your week. It's time to let something go?but you don't have to do it with bad humor or grim determination. Dance it away, with grace and trust. You'll have more fun, and you'll give your neighbors something to talk about for years.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Did you remember to turn off the stove? Did you take the baby off the roof of the car and strap her into the backseat? You're so wise, my darling. But sometimes you let the details slip. I love your soft focus on the big picture, but occasionally you must acknowledge: life is in the details. So strap on your spectacles and notice that you're wearing your undies on the outside?again. Whoops. Glad I pointed it out, right? You can thank me after the date/meeting/job interview you're almost late for.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Fortune-telling 101: To be a successful?though not necessarily accurate?soothsayer, tell people what they want to hear. Don't make the mistake of being relentlessly positive, though. Couch your compliments in critique, like: "You've got a lot of creative potential but you've really been letting it go to waste!" This gives people a chance to acknowledge their guilt (no one wants to admit they've exhausted their latent talent) and boosts your credibility tremendously. Now that I've exposed one of the cheap tricks people use to manipulate you, you ought to be able to spot the rest. Bottom line: don't let anyone dictate to you what your future holds. Make your own decisions and concentrate on maximizing your creative potential?which you've neglected lately. No, really!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) I admit it: I wasn't listening. Sometimes I become so confident in my ability to manifest my will and desires that I turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to what the universe may be trying to tell me. It's similar to your quandary. You're so sure of your own rightness and power that you might be denying some of your own potential to be even greater and more powerful. Sensitivity is the key. Don't force it. You've got a square block; don't shove it in the round hole. I know you're strong enough to jam it through, but wouldn't it be more elegant, graceful and satisfying to exercise your patience and wait until you're presented with the square hole your piece will fit into perfectly?
Gemini (May 21-June 20) How to Harness Your Madness, Lesson 1: Talk to yourself. The new millennium includes permission to be crazy, at least a little. You of all people should know that the far edges of rationality are the most interesting, creative and magical places to live, so you're probably psyched that you can now stroll around, speaking out loud in a normal voice, without anyone batting an eye. Even if there's no one walking beside you, everyone will assume you have a high-tech cellphone. So you don't. So what? Let yourself go a little insane. Tell yourself something you knew but just forgot. And stay tuned for Lesson 2 (Don't Hit Yourself), next week.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) See how I love you, Cancer? My favorite massage therapist friend is practically begging me to let him demonstrate some of his new Shiatsu techniques on my very own body. Instead, I'm taking the time out to write your horoscope. Obviously, the thought of that massage is lingering in the very forefront of my mind. It's working out okay, though, because it gives me the perfect opportunity to illustrate a new paradigm for you. There's not just a high road (sacrificing, martyr-like, your massage for the sake of art) and a low road (blowing off your responsibilities to indulge your whimsical desires); take the middle road once in a while?in this case I'll allow myself to have the massage as soon as I'm done with this horoscope. Ah, yes? This middle road is definitely a good thing.
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