This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:54

    Gemini (May 21-June 20) This week, you may dream you meet your soulmate, who turns out to be a duck. As he cocks his head to allow first one beady eye, then the other, to gaze longingly into your dewy pair, you listen to his tales of the Fowl Revolution. The moment you fervently swear allegiance to his cause you awaken, but the memory of his beaky kiss still lingers. Ducky's gone, but you still want to honor those feelings (let's face it: this dream is the closest thing to a "soul-mate" you've got going on). Perhaps you could swear off eggs, or make a ritual of bringing stale bread to the park. Do something, anyway?if you can't even make a token gesture in the name of a dream of true love, how can you hope to make the sacrifices demanded by the real thing? Cancer (June 21-July 22) I admit it: I was torturing hermit crabs again. I couldn't resist the temptation to play God with the poor critters. Changing their lives is, literally, child's play: creating pits, mountains, bridges, walls and lakes for them with a sweep of the hand. The funny thing is, I doubt they even notice it?their vision seems to extend only about two steps ahead. Although in the past you've had to struggle not to abuse your own godlike powers of empathy and emotional manipulation, this week you may fall into some of your own traps. To avoid them, fine-tune your vision to extend a bit farther than the next couple of footfalls. You may not penetrate to the depths of the mystery, but you should get some insight into your own motivations, if nothing else. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Darien fruit looks like a bizarre cross between a pineapple and The Thing, and it's supposed to improve your virility. The flavor (it's like eating blue cheese with a raspberry torte in a public bathroom) leaves a lot to be desired, though. Much of what you enjoy this week may be in the genres of sashimi, liver or lima beans: acquired tastes. Since you're going to be forced to "sit at the table until it's all gone," why not learn to like whatever's being forced down your throat? Not what I'd usually advise, but in this case it is good for you?better than almost anything else, in fact. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Many people use low-voltage wands on sensitive parts of their partner's bodies, to enhance their sex play. There's a whole world of fetishes out there, just waiting to be discovered by you. I have a feeling that your latest brushes with kinkiness have whetted your appetite for something a little different. Maybe you're not ready to get into whips, mummification or water sports, but there is that itchy little fuck-the-mailman role-playing fantasy you've been thinking about for a while? This is a great week to try it out?I think you'll find your available partner(s) will be not only willing but eager to explore your sexuality with you. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Okay, it's been a while since you've seen Cloud Nine, or even Clouds Five or Six. By now, you've completely forgotten what it feels like to be totally crashed out, in bliss, with your lover, best friend or dog. Winter's over, though, and the vaporous winds of good feeling are thawing from their crystallized state and venturing over to skies near you. April showers may bring May flowers, but they also seem to produce some very horny, happy and highly magnetic Libras, too. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) You're like a hot coal, burning sullenly, a dull red glow emanating from you everywhere you go. It's not exactly the cozy warmth of a Cancer on a good day, or the searing dragon-blasts from exuberant Aries. It's more the kind of thing you want to toast marshmallows over, or use to warm your feet from a safe distance. That kind of stubbornly persistent heat may not seem as immediately useful as other types of fire, but in fact it's arguably the most practical?your kind of steady, consistent warmth is perfect for heating a house, or baking a cake. If that's not good enough, just remember?all it takes is a brisk stir and a little breeze and your smoldering glow will spring into flame. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) If I had this five-month trip in Asia to do all over again, I'd bring a walkman. It was the item missing from my meager inventory that I most missed?those days spent on the bus or train would've been so much less grueling if I'd had some good tunes and plenty of batteries. You've shared the instinct that caused me to leave this essential device behind: an unwillingness to shield yourself from the world. This week, though, spare yourself the misery. A minor buffer between you and reality can sometimes be a good thing?for everyone concerned. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Your diligence?the methodical nature of your actions?is so that you don't do stupid shit like strap the baby into the car seat and then drive off with the poor thing wailing on the roof like a low-tech police siren. You hate it when you slip up and do something even mildly absentminded, like leaving the porno in the VCR for your housemates to find. But sometimes your impressive discipline limits your freedom, restricts your spontaneous creativity. You can't force slapdash brilliance or absentminded genius, but I predict you'll be experiencing a happy accident or a moment of goofy inspiration, the next time you let your mind slip. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You can't stand being told what to do, even when it's for your own good. Rather, you have to be gently led to the desired conclusion, and allowed to think it's your own idea. I hope you understand I value (more highly than almost anything) your strict rule of "doing it your way," so I know you won't take my advice the wrong way: just this week, when someone inarguably wiser than you tells you something, take their word for it. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) I noticed the "view" immediately. It was a first-floor room, with two windows next to the bed, facing an enclosed alley. "Do people walk through here often?" I wanted to know. The Thai girl was eager to please, and answered: "Not every time." This is exactly the kind of soothing nonanswer you've been hearing a lot of lately. You can get worked up and try in vain to obtain some specifics, or you can get the joke and interpret it however the fuck you want. In this case, I decided that peeping guesthouse employees wouldn't bother me much, so I just gave her a winning grin and said, "I'll take it." Aries (March 21-April 19) You're the stubborn sort who keeps trying to fit the square peg into the round hole, despite repeated failed attempts. That's very Ram-like of you?keep butting your head at something until it gets the hell out of your way. Sure, you could keep shoving that cube into the circle with some kind of counterintuitive logic?eventually you might be able to wedge your block through. Simple, but not the easiest or most elegant solution. Instead, you could whip out that handy pocketknife you're always showing off and use it to whittle your right-angle problem (even if it's something intangible, like your ego) until it's just the right shape and size to slide smoothly into the hole you've been aiming for all along.