Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) You know I have a special affinity toward your spidery sexiness. I've done everything in my power to help pump up, polish and improve your reputation amongst the other signs. But you've got to meet me halfway. Right now, that means proving your ability to make it over the long haul. Intensity, charm and inexhaustible sexuality are all stellar qualities, but they become meaningless if you're unwilling to commit. No one's asking you to buy a ring. But can you make a promise into next week, at least?
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) No one batted an eyelash at me when I lived in the ghetto. True, I had to put up with vibrating walls and drunks on the doorstep when I lived above the nightclub. The speed-freak housemates got old real fast. But now that I live in a "nicer" neighborhood, I miss some parts of the old life, such as not being disapproved of because of my hairstyle or the car I drive. Own your past, fondly; sometimes it's a lot more pleasant than the present. I'll tell you one thing?prostitutes make better neighbors than yuppies or movie stars; at least they always say hi.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Uh-oh. Things are starting to slip a little bit out of sync. Clues: You've been falling asleep in your business suit and showing up for work in your pajamas. You've been eating breakfast three meals a day, and barely noticing your weekends until they're almost over. The line between waking and sleeping is getting fuzzy. This is a good thing, though?it means that you're finally very close to realizing a recurring sweet dream of yours. When it happens, you'll have to pinch yourself to know it's real?and even then you might not be sure.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Feeling a bit squishy, are we? You poured out so much knowledge (you spent a lifetime collecting) that you feel a bit deflated, lately. But don't just flop around feeling spent. This is a great week to rehydrate with some new information. Come on, Water Bearer. Pump yourself up, or people will stop believing that you're smarter and more capable than everyone else. If you can't be bothered to absorb enough data to feel plump and primed, I guess there's nothing else for it: it's time to have that Viagra prescription filled.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Life's unfair. It's a basic truth. But you're still not allowed to act unfairly. It sucks, but...(refer to the first sentence). That's right: because you're blessed with this sweet sense of empathy, it's hard for you not to put yourself in other people's shoes. Which means you can't screw people over without feeling bad about it. And then you get nailed by instant karma. Double whammy. Ouch. Again, refer to sentence one. Unless you can unlearn your wonderfully gifted conscience (dream on), you're stuck devoting your actions to upping life's basic Fairness Quotient. Playing fair this week could pay off, though?you just might get the same treatment.
Aries (March 21-April 19) You finally got a dinner invite from that rich uncle who lives in the castle on the hill. He's the mysteriously wealthy recluse of the family. Perhaps he's finally recognized you as his oddball spiritual heir. But as you steer your custom-painted flaming wood-paneled station wagon up the winding drive, you wonder: what if he really wants to kill you, thus eliminating any competition for the elusive title of Familial Black Sheep? The latest from my affluent, enigmatic, outcast uncle hotline: it could go either way. That's right: he may be out to poison your outlook, or privately fund your pocketbook, but his mind's not made up yet. My advice: eat everything he gives you, with relish, even the tainted tofu loaf?the antidote's probably in the dessert.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Poor Barbie. She's not anorexic; she's just designed that way. Yet she's subjected to criticism, vandalism and really cheap accessories. No one said being a cultural icon was easy. I even saw someone win a hundred bucks for sticking her, headfirst, right up his butt. So don't freak out about the relatively minor indignities, critiques and jealous slurs directed at you as you climb your way toward the top of your microcosm. And don't be too tempted to shirk the responsibilities of your success by kissing butt. Hiding behind the round rump of the person just ahead of you in line might seem like an easy way out, but really it's only an easy way to share Barbie's sleazy bar-show fate.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Stop the Clue Bus. This one wants to get off. She's spent the last half-hour puking out the window. See, you can know too much. Your relentless probing for answers might painfully poke you back someday soon. People don't want to be accountable for every minute of their existences. Everyone prefers leaving you just a little bit ignorant, including you?whether you admit it or not. Must you know everything? No. Quit asking questions while you're ahead, or the interrogated might bend over the interrogator and do a little probing of their own.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) I'm almost ashamed of myself. When the DoT guys drove up to put a "boot" on my car, I freaked. Oh, I tried a calmly rational appeal at first. It didn't even register, so I pulled out a trick I haven't used in a long time, one I learned from you, Cancer: I poured on the drama. I even coughed up one climactic tear. Moments later, the guy had verified that the $587 in unpaid tickets actually belonged to the car's last owner, and signaled for the boot to be unlocked and removed. With the full moon next week in Aries, this is a good week to start practicing the act that's going to get you exactly what you want. Don't be afraid to cry, Cancer. I'm telling you: it works.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Try not to think of this year's birthday as a crashing disappointment. In addition to being the celebrated star of your party, you wanted to be the fabulous glittering girl who jumped out of the cake, the monkey trainer with his bevy of performing apes, the Ferris wheel operator, and the sexy motorcycle cop who showed up to shut down the festivities. Some might say you ask a bit too much of yourself, but I disagree; it's only your timing that needs work. On your birthday you had a full plate?this week, however, I'd say you could take on any two or three of these roles at once?and you should.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You know what my problem is? I lack patience. I hate waiting?for anything. Oh, it's a cultural symptom, but I've got a bad case. You could use a little of whatever bug I've got up my nose. I know you think of yourself as an impatient person, but the truth is you let yourself wait forever for some very important things: fair treatment at work, proper reciprocation from your friends, true love. The sad fact: these things probably will never jump into your life on their own, no matter how much you deserve them. This is a good week to channel a little Veruka Salt energy regarding at least one of those things you've waited too long for already. Say it with me: "I want it, Daddy, and I want it now!"
[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)