This Week's Horoscopes

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:36

    Cancer (June 21-July 22) Last night, I dreamt I gave birth to a water-loving, talking housecat who could metamorphose into a lovable midget girl called Cathy. She wasn't exactly what I expected my future child would be, but just the same I provided her with a pool to play in and a stretchy spandex outfit that would accommodate both her forms. The things we bring into this world, be they children, relationships or works of art, rarely (if ever) turn out how we expect. The trick is to love and value them anyway. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Most Leos have little to fear from the world outside. A nearly indomitable will and impressive self-confidence such as you usually possess represent a formidable defense to whatever troubles life might throw your way. Actually, the only real danger to your shining power comes from within. You might trick or delude yourself into thinking you're weak, or vulnerable in ways that you needn't be. This week, if you find yourself experiencing pain, fear or desire?don't blame the supposed "cause" of your feeling. The only person who can "make" you feel anything is you. So, blame yourself. Or better yet, help yourself. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) It took years of training and practice for me to develop the limited awareness I've got now. Committees of Virgos formed to personally infuse me with some of their more useful neuroses. Before their timely intervention, I literally didn't notice mess. Dishes in the sink, dirty floors, piles of smelly laundry?all lay beneath the level of my perception. Now that you've taught them to clean up after themselves, wouldn't it be nice if the oafs around you could learn those excellent arts, subtlety and tact? Since you're so sensitive to what might lie behind what people actually say, you resent when others don't get the obvious intent beneath your words. Don't go crazy. Since most folks aren't as keenly perceptive as you, discipline yourself: be explicit, or don't bother at all. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) I've been looking everywhere for the new golden dollars, but they're nowhere to be found. It seems that everyone rushed out to grab them when they first appeared, to collect or save, I suppose. In any case, it seems that no one is spending them. They appeal to my most medieval sensibilities. There's something satisfying about the idea of being able to feel how rich you are by the weight of your purse. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to weigh more ephemeral quantities, like the charm of your smile, how much patience you have left or how your breath smells? This week, your internal scales are so fine-tuned that you might just be able to. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) To goad myself into writing, I sometimes give myself an odious ultimatum. Today, it's: "Write, or thoroughly clean the filthy, filthy kitchen." Being by nature laid-back (read: lazy), this is often very effective at stirring up my inner muse. It's still a close call, though. Writing is hard work, despite its apparent simplicity, and the rewards are sometimes more nebulous or obscure than having a spotless kitchen might be. The task you have ahead of you is probably less straightforward than you'd like; nevertheless it still must get done. Get cracking! Start your work, or go scrub toilets. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Beware the pair of thugs who await you outside the office, gym or supermarket. They won't be easy to spot, either; they're as likely to wear business suits, spandex or housedresses as black ski masks and gloves. If you do get caught in a bind, don't freak your shit?they're not out to steal your credit cards, your virginity (ha ha) or your freedom. Consider them messengers from your higher self, here to make sure you don't veer too far from your proper path. All they want is a promise. So they can knock off early?kick back and enjoy a beer?spare them the trouble of tracking you down and just repeat after me: I will not do anything by the book, ever again, unless I truly have no choice. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I like to get naked to write. I think the best writing comes from the gut, or someplace other than the head, at least. In order to get at that primal source, it feels good to expose my skin to sunlight and air, to feel pure, vulnerable, comfortable. In fact, I think most people do their best work when they're at ease in their bodies, usually doing something "mindless," like showering, jogging or mowing the lawn. The reason you feel so out of sorts lately is because you've been living entirely in your head. Your brain needs some time off, and your flab is begging for a chance to disappear. Need I be more explicit? Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb.18) The other night, I realized?to my horror?that most of my memories are anecdote-sized. In fact, even as I experience most situations, I've noticed that a small part of my mind is already encapsulating them for future use?entertaining crowds, enthralling lovers or telling you. Lately, you've been doing something of the same, effectively paring your life down, closer to the bare essentials. I'm all for simplifying your existence, but don't go overboard. Leave yourself a few sweet-if-"useless"-tidbits to go through when you're old. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Your intellect is engaged in a to-the-death arm-wrestling match with your fantasies, while your gentler (but no less competitive, apparently) emotions are playing a high-stakes game of boulder-paycheck-scalpel with your sweetest dreams. For a creature so oriented to your misty inner world, it must be jarring to bring your fantastic cloud kingdom here to Earth. Nevertheless, down it comes. So your vast hopes don't have to squeeze inside a studio apartment, better start making the phone calls, wielding the credit cards, and doing all the fancy footwork necessary to make them a solid lifesize reality. Aries (March 21-April 19) A few years back, a friend instructed me on some basics of rhythm, using our hand drums. I took his lessons and ran with them. A year or two later, he came to me and told me how impressed he was with how I'd progressed. Suddenly, he was asking me for tips! It's amazing when you're able to expand on the teachings you've received until you surpass the skills of your teacher. It doesn't feel as good when your students outshine your best efforts, though, does it? The next time that happens, soothe your bruised ego by reminding yourself that you did the job right?the best teachers make themselves obsolete. If that's not comfort enough, perhaps it's time you stopped imparting knowledge and started absorbing it again. Taurus (April 20-May 20) It's difficult to imagine you going on a hunger strike. In fact, voluntarily giving up any of the luxuries you're accustomed to?hot water, power steering, your electric toothbrush?is a concept you're only vaguely familiar with. Though you're often willing to go to great lengths for those you love, you rarely give anything away without strings?nay, steel cables?attached. Money and stuff likes to move around. When I've held onto something too long, the universe lets me know?I usually end up losing or breaking it. This week, practice letting go a little. If someone needs something more than you do, and they ask for it, give it to them?free of charge. [](