I have a big problem I have a big ...
I have a big problem! I am a good-looking, sweet, submissive gay boy who really loves straight men, especially older married Daddy types. I prefer to be alone if I can't be with a hetero guy. Is there something wrong with me? Is it too extreme? I am always checking them out, but am kinda shy. What are some good ways for gay men to let hetero guys know they are available to give these married men the kind of great, free, non-reciprocal deep throat that their wives won't anymore? Feel free to provide my address if any respond to this!
-Stymied Studmonkey
Just out of curiosity, where were you Sunday night? Because I actually witnessed a cute gay boy attempt to seduce his straight friend and it wasn't pretty. Especially after gay boy got all drunkypants and started shrieking, "But I swallow?does your girlfriend swallow?!" in the middle of the bar. Either she does or it doesn't matter because straight friend didn't look one bit tempted. See, here's the thing, Issue Queen: Any dude, married or not, who wants his dick sucked by another guy ain't straight. So you're fucked from jump. This fella's night wouldn't have ended in histrionics if he'd just sauntered over to the Boiler Room, where it's easier to count the ugly guys than the cuties, and there's not a breeder in the bunch.
Prior to receiving your letter, I'd always been of the opinion that the epitome of lame was the Closet Case. Deeply closeted men develop all manner of personality problems that they inevitably inflict on those around them. They marry or date women and then won't have sex with them. (Is it obvious I've been down this road?) Because they spend so much time denying their true proclivities, they're often angry, deluded, oddly homophobic and generally not a lot of fun to be around. After all, they spend their entire lives pretending to be something they're not.
But like I said, you managed to change my mind. I now firmly believe that the pinnacle of lame-osity is the self-loathing mental case who actually wants to get with these sad creatures as opposed to carrying on with charming gents who are pleased to pitch for the home team.
To get another take on your queery, I forwarded your letter on to my Big Gay Advisory Board in order to get their opinions:
Charlie, 39, lawyer/fox: "If God wanted married couples to be exclusive, she never would have invented cocksuckers like this kid. Eventually, he might even get to come to Thanksgiving dinner or go on vacation with Daddy and the whole family. Frankly, I think that's exactly what this boy wants."
Kurt, 35, writer/studmonkey: "In my opinion, this guy is not really worth wasting your time on. I used to get crushes on straight guys all the time, and eventually you (hopefully) realize that except as fodder for masturbation fantasies, it's a pointless and humiliating pursuit. And the straight guys who encourage it are either a) not straight or b) egotistical assholes."
Mark 41, drag superstar/tattooist/hottie: "My only suggestion is that he stop writing letters and live out his pathetic existence alone. I suppose he could get into therapy and try not to hate his own people, but that's a long row to hoe for some folks."
Ouch! Now I have no idea what kind of retarded psychodrama caused you to wind up with such an irritating fixation, but that's not really the issue. You're a young submissive gay boy who's never heard of a little thing called the Internet? Or personal ads? It's one thing to have an unusual (or vexatious) compulsion, it's quite another to be clueless.
Why didn't you suggest that Woodwork attend a meeting of Overeaters Anonymous ("Dategirl," 1/21)? After all, it's a well-known fact that chubby chicks'll go after anything with a cock and a pulse, regardless of looks, finances?hell, even a crack habit. The porky ladies might not be as "technically awesome" in the sack as your average sober chick, but if they can swallow cock like they gobbled Ho Hos, he'll be in for the ride of his life! And he probably won't have to waste much time getting these ladies to the sack, either. Talk about insane with lust?they're the least picky of the A lot. Why, with a little cunnilingus and some baking skills, ol' Woody could end up some lardass' Higher Power!
I hope you found this email as offensive as I found your column.?Angela D.
Offensive? Huh? Did I miss some sort of subtext you've got going on? This damn hangover must be clouding my normally impeccable reading comprehension skills. But anyway, this reader touches on an important omission and I thank her. I hadn't even considered the libidinous possibilities of the orally fixated?and I call myself an advice columnist! My big fat bad! So Woodwork, if you're still out there, you might wanna give chubby chasing a go. Thanks, Angela!