Sanchez Ponders Sisqo's Painted Head!

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:56

    "'Furthermore,' coos the sympathetic Sister of Sanchez," the sympathetic Sister of Sanchez cooed, "Sanchez might take comfort in the reunification of Weezer, or that Sammy Hagar is in the studio?despite a most perplexing decision to shelve a box set." The former best thing to have ever happened to Van Halen has started his own label, Cabo Wabo. Enthused Sanchez says: Gimme indie rock!

    Concerned Sanchez hopes to open a national dialogue on the nature of Sisqo's head, on which he appears to paint, in silver, the outline of hair. Confused Sanchez is less interested in why a person would decide that the most prudent beauty move would be to paint his head, than why the American public and its media servants have thus far chosen to not ask questions about Sisqo's painted head. Authoritative Sanchez has heard from sources that when Sisqo sweats, the paint or dye or whatever it is runs down the back of his neck and makes him look like the Tin Man. "The jolly Sister of Sanchez can't decide which lame joke on the phrase 'chrome dome' to interject with," interjected the jolly Sister of Sanchez. Muckracking Sanchez persists with more tough questions: What sort of substance does Sisqo use to paint his head? Does he paint it himself or is the paint applied by a henchman? Is the henchman who applies the paint by trade a hair or a makeup artist? Who was the fashion innovator Sisqo first spied painting his head, whom Sisqo saw and thought: That's the move for me? Or is Sisqo so much farther advanced than the rest of us that he could pioneer such an awesome haircare innovation? Or should Sanchez backspace over the word "haircare" and replace it with "skin care"? If Sisqo were to get a particularly bad zit on his chin, might he paint on a silver goatee? If pressed, would Sisqo balk at his painted head being referred to as "silver" and insist that in fact the color is "platinum"? Is Sisqo just a pawn in the mass Cash Money-ificaton of precious metals and the crayons associated with them? Is it a coincidence that on Sisqo's MTV dance-party show "Sisqo's Shakedown" semifinalists are selected by the judges spray-painting the letter "S" on their bellies?

    Amused Sanchez finds little more entertaining than superbland pop singer Vitamin C, a lady whose most admirable show business quality is her hair, dyed a shade of orange Sanchez admiringly admits he's never seen anywhere else. The lady used to sing for cookie-cutter alt-rock band Eve's Plumb, a moniker taken from the name of the actress who played Jan on The Brady Bunch?historical Sanchez reminds his children that once these kind of supergroovy pop-cultural references were very cool with the hip and happening set! Vitamin C finally scored herself somewhat of a hit with an incredibly simplistic, pandering schooldays anthem called "Graduation (Friends Forever)" that did predictably well during the recent high school commencement season. The song bites its chord progression?hilariously?from Pachelbel's "Canon," features a choir belting out its supersyrupy chorus and, in a most innovative promotional move, was sent out to radio in special versions with the names of local high schools edited in. Doting Sanchez adores nothing so much as an unrepentant sellout, and what could be more indicative of an artist making a last grasp for cash before her youthful looks run out than such a blatantly dumbed-down stab at the prom dollar? Sanchez was enthralled upon viewing a recent MTV interview with Vitamin C in which?deflecting an interviewer's comparison with the Orlando blondes?Mandy, Christina, Britney?she snootily asserted that her stuff was "more postmodern." More postmodern! Sanchez must grudgingly agree?what could be more postmodern than such a cynical milking of teen sentiment? But disappointed Sanchez wonders why Vitamin C would harsh his high by pathetically demanding that her cool pass not be revoked. Still, thankful Sanchez counts his blessings?better that burnt-out alternavistas insincerely ape what Mandy Moore does with almost painful sincerity than to have Mandy Moore witlessly quoting Camus on her Sub Pop single-of-the-month-club selection!

    NEXT: Lost and lonely, Sanchez cries out in the night for Super Dupe?his Burger King DJ!