This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:37

    Cancer (June 21-July 22) This week you're everyone's Sugar Mama (or Papa): shoulder to cry on, giver of cash loans, baker of cakes and singer of lullabies. Great. These are some of your shiniest qualities, and can definitely earn you some karma bucks. But don't overdue it. There's a fine line between offering support and undermining foundations. It's not pretty when a reasonable request for help mutates into full-blown dependence. Maintain those well-defined boundaries, and you maintain your freedom. That way folks won't have as much reason to resent it when (like, next week) Good Witch gets tired and Moody Bitch takes over. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) I spoil you, Leo. It's too bad. You began to demand sweet, dreamy horoscopes, you brat. It's not that you don't deserve a hopeful, inspired future. You do. But that doesn't mean bad things should never happen to you. It just wouldn't be fair. However, I'm not here to spell your doom. It'll probably be a good week. But remember this as you count your blessings: they can't last forever. There is something you can do to help them last longer, though. See all those people around you who are suffering when you could give them at least a little shelter under the umbrella of your good fortune? The more you spread your luck around, the more you'll have. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The computer locked up. I didn't get it. It's a completely electronic device, with no moving parts to jam or break. Yet, somehow, information tangled inside the machine and refused to unknot itself. Time to reboot. Who were these computer designers, I wondered, to create such a fucked-up piece of equipment?complete morons? Maybe they are, but that's not what caused the meltdown. The plethora of different pieces of software, each created by a different programmer, produced the conflict. The computer was paralyzed by indecision, apparently. What's your excuse? You may have had numerous influences, but they're all in the past now. It's just you and your program now. So don't freeze up when faced with this week's quandary. If your past programming isn't equipped to handle it, reprogram your brain. You can. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Cousin Sadie wandered up and hollered over the noise of the family soiree: "Did you see Aunt Hilda yet?" "Yes," answered Jonathan, "but I'm not speaking to her." "Oh, Jon, come on," replied Sadie. "No, not after what she did." "Come on." "No." "Jon, she's family." "Sadie, no." "Come on." "No." Finally, Sadie yielded: "Well, she's an asshole anyway." Being unusually consistent and attached to your principles is bound to yield results, respect and alliances this week. So don't waver. Your rep is in the balance. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) A lot of people in my old home, San Francisco, rave about the weather there. I don't get it. Regarding my climatic preference: give me seasons (and I'm not referring to Damp, Foggy, Rainy and Dry)! That's why you Scorpios intrigue me. Your internal emotional temperatures can range from scorching to absolute zero. While we're talking about your inner climate, I might as well mention: you're due for a week or two of balmy sea breezes, sunshine and only enough drizzle to generate rainbows. If it's all too sickeningly sweet for you, never fear: you're bound to have a hurricane or two before summer's through. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Believe me, I don't take astrology any more seriously than you do. That is, I think of it as an interesting way to look at the world and further personal growth. It shouldn't limit, ever. Instead of thinking, "Oh, I'm a Sagittarius, so I can never happily settle down," why not: "I never need to settle down (but I can)." Transcend handy generalizations this week. "But everyone else uses them?" you whine. Tough titties, baby. All you Sags are seekers of truth, so you're not allowed to settle for the stereotype like the rest of us. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You know how people sound different on the phone than they do in person? Sometimes, when you're used to having an e-mail friendship or some other non-phone relationship, you just can't place who you're talking to until they tell you their name. It could be your roommate, but you have no idea. I predict encounters with folks in unfamiliar contexts. So you don't come off like a total idiot, or a snob, better start preparing some clever all-purpose cover lines. So you're clueless; at least you're funny, too. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) I know how you hate to be reminded of your status. You scrupulously avoid encounters with people whom you perceive to be too much above or below you. But the fact is: no matter how great you become, someone will always appear who surpasses you in some way. Also no matter how low and pathetic you get, there'll always be some loser who'll try to scrape a little deeper into rock bottom. This week you'll have to deal with those "higher-ups" whether you like it or not. When you get a call from the President, you sort of have to take it. Just remember that beneath these arbitrary judgments all these people are just people. Mr. President sat on the pot and squeezed out a shit this morning, same as you. He might be making sure you've learned your lesson, but it's just as likely you've got something to teach him. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) I'm totally amused by machismo. I just saw two guys accidentally bump into each other. Hackles were raised. "Don't you fuckin' look where you're going?" hollered one. "No, I don't," scoffed the other, "I'm drunker than you!" That seemed to satisfy them both, and they moved on. It's humanity at its most primitive. You often represent the opposite end of the spectrum, manifesting kindness, compassion, sensitivity, generosity. Wow, you're so evolved. But aspiring to Buddhahood doesn't mean avoiding all confrontations at all costs. I'm not saying go out and start a fistfight. But: If Jesus and his enemies had resolved their differences with a good ol' bar brawl, he probably wouldn't have ended up wearing that uncomfortable cross. Aries (March 21-April 19) I'm a freak magnet. Many people aren't used to dedicated boundary-crossers like me. They see my eclectic look and perceive me as hippie, punk, raver, jock or flaming faggot, depending on where they're coming from. I'm not complaining. I thoroughly enjoy being flirted with by giggling teenage girls (one of them rubbed up against me like a cat in Blockbuster) and babbled at by speed freaks. It's completely entertaining to let people think I'm a professional go-go dancer or traveling LSD salesman if that's what floats their boats. It's loads of fun to just go with it. So why are you so concerned that everyone "gets it straight" what you're all about? Be who you are, and let people think what they want. Taurus (April 20-May 20) We are the looked-for end result of centuries of history. Never before have individuals been as empowered as we are now?culturally, economically, technologically. Nearly everyone in America has at least some time to explore their creativity. Growing numbers of people pursue careers "telling their truth" in whatever forms that might take?and they do well. What's with you holdouts? Do you think your unique perspective is less interesting or valuable than those propagated by the rest of us? Au contraire?we're in great need of what you have to say. So quit giving your mojo to The Man and give it to people, in general.