This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:55

    Gemini (May 21-June 20) Today, four good friends tied me up and had their way with me, using rubber hookah tubing and some nylon clothesline. After I'd been tickled, nibbled, licked and poked (with various body parts and objects) for a while, I realized that their attention wasn't torture; it was love. I was so touched by their delighted ministrations that I was slightly disappointed when they finally freed me. Your own recent obsession with freedom has been just a trifle overstated. Let yourself be tied up, either literally or figuratively. You may just like it. Cancer (June 21-July 22) Here I am, almost 26 years old, and I still have a recurring fantasy of returning to high school, despite the fact that I graduated from one nearly a decade ago. Oh, I know it's sick and twisted at its roots, this desire, despite the rationalizations I create for it ("It could be a great photography project!" etc.) but the bottom line is, I'd do it for the experience. I'd like to know: How much have I really grown? Would I corrupt innocent youngsters with my wicked ways? Would I wield the self-confidence founded in my varied experiences for good or ill? Would I be swept up in all the high school drama, despite all I think I've learned? I mention this because it's time for you to test yourself: not necessarily an intense final exam like I've imagined for myself, but at least a pop quiz. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Annually, I visit the woods of Tennessee to camp out and tune into birdsong rather than radio. Lounging in my hammock, I suddenly found myself amidst a classy soiree. I gossiped with trees while they milled around me gracefully on the plush carpeting (all earth tones, naturally) and bobbed their fabulous green-wigged heads in appreciation of my jokes. Thick, hairy vines coiled around their slender necks like boas. Okay, so my little reverie was perhaps a bit tripped out, but it made me smile. What about you? Perhaps adding a little dark Disney to that same familiar landscape you face daily could help you whistle while you work, too. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You know, I've lived in many places?France, New York, New Mexico, North Carolina and California among them?and I've seen a lot more. Experiencing myself in such diverse locations has taught me a lot about how I experience life, deal with stress and create my reality. Now I'm moving to Los Angeles, and I'm surprised at the strong reactions this evokes in people I tell. They're daunted by the city's almost mythic reputation as an Evil Destroyer of Souls. I see it more as a massively complex conglomeration of many worlds, rife with potential and ripe for exploration. You've recently been subjected to a cacophony of doubts, all cloaked in plausibility. Don't waste energy refuting them, or trying to prove your doubters wrong. Follow your own inner vision and prove yourself right instead. That's more than enough. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) While in India, my hair got stained magenta by the chemical garment dyes I was soaked with during the religious festival of Holi. Celebrants delight in splashing each other with paints and powders of every color, but mostly this particularly stubborn shade of fluorescent pink. An intense bleach job didn't erase the rosy stains, so I added a layer of dye, shade of Blonde Temptress. Only a week and several washings after my emergency treatments, the last faint traces of India are rinsing out of my hair. You, too, were marked by an experience a few months ago, and haven't quite been able to shake it until now. Luckily, this week you're primed to finally rid yourself of the last vestiges of that time, swirling like the last bit of pink down the drain. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Are you supported and loved by your family and community? Do you feel like if you fall, you'll be caught, helped up and loved? What you've been contemplating is like jumping off a building into the arms of your crowd. Are you sure your last sight won't be panicked people surging in all directions to get out from under you, leaving you in a perfect circle of splat? I don't think you need to doubt your vital place in your community, but in case you do anyway, let me tell you: the best way to be sure you'll be caught in the safety net is to be part of the safety net. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You're like a honeybee this week: industrious, useful, cooperative. Unfortunately, you're not that good in a fight. See, many types of bees die after they use their sting. It's intended for defense of the hive, not the individual. What I'm trying to say is that when conflict approaches, your best bet may be buzzing out the window or hiding behind the houseplants. But don't get too timid, either. A sting with your whole life's juices behind it is nothing to scoff at?and it makes a great bluff. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) The first two times I tried to read the famous Tolkien trilogy, The Lord of the Rings, I was so bored by it I couldn't finish it. The third time I attempted it, I couldn't believe they were the same books. I could barely put them down. That project you began ages ago? You know, the one that's been kind of nagging at your brain lately? It's teasing the edges of your thoughts because you're ready to try it again. Only, don't set out to simply attempt it. Finish it this time. You can. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) According to my friend Granite, Y2K is the greatest piece of performance art, ever. It was a set of thoughts that was created, evolved and circulated randomly and collectively, based on nothing but a concept, as it turned out. People all over the world participated in it, added to it, anticipated it, dreaded it, prayed for it. Why was it so tempting and evocative? Perhaps its roots in the new pervasiveness of computers (as recent as the last couple of decades) and the origins of the calendar we use today (supposedly based on Christ's birth two millennia ago) were too evocative to pass up. Now that it's obvious how a set of rather prosaic ideas changed the planet, at least temporarily, isn't it inspiring when you consider what your own much cooler ideas could do, if you could just get them out there? Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) To cure you of your fearfulness, I hope you get dive-bombed by butterflies, kissed by frogs or toe-tickled by squirrel tails this week. You need to be reconvinced in the basically benign nature of your reality. You're so safe it's silly. All the apparent threats in your life are as fragile and pretty as fluttering insects, all the ugliness is royalty in disguise and even your most agile and clever adversaries are just out to make you laugh. Aries (March 21-April 19) Mix incongruous activities this week. Listen to classical music while you peruse pornography. Watch gory surgical documentaries while you prepare dinner. Have a junk food breakfast-in-bed. Recreate a Greco-Roman mosaic with jellybeans instead of tiles. Only when you succeed at marrying sleaze and class, the disgusting and the delicious, trash with luxury and the serious with the absurd will you be able to resolve your latest inner conflict, and be joyfully integrated into one delightfully tongue-in-cheek whole.