FACE="New York" SIZE=5>
Apocaluptuous feat. Sera Penumbra & Friends plus the burlesque stylings of Agent Dirty Martini; Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), 212-539-8778; 11, free .
Elvis Has Entered the Building! See dead-on impersonator of the side-burned king of rock 'n roll, occasionally all jazzed up in glitter & gold; Trailer Park Lounge, 271 W. 23rd St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-463-8000; 8:30 & 10, free .
Chicago City Limits gets AmBUSHed What better way to protest the Bush Administration than with sketch comedy & improv? Use that tax refund & get some tickets!; Chicago City Limits Theater, 1105 1st Ave. (61st St.), 212-888-5233; 8, $20 [repeats Thurs. at 8, Fri. & Sat. at 8 & 10:30].
Mary Dimino Italian food and funny stand-up?do it!; Sam's, 263 W. 45th St. (8th Ave.), 212-719-3020; 8, $12 & $10 min.
Does This War Make Me Look Fat? Group the Royal We pres. intelligent political satire; the Tank, 432 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-868-4444; 8, $7.
The Hollow Men Come see what the hype is all about?are they the new Monty Python or just mildly funny Brits?; Village Theatre, 158 Bleecker St. (betw. Sullivan & Thompson Sts.), 212-307-4100; 8, $35 [repeats Thurs.-Sat.].
Mosh First the improv group does its thang, then the audience gives it a try!; People's Improv Theater, 154 W. 29th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-563-7488; 10:30, $6.
Colin Quinn Funny man performs stand-up w/Robert Kelly, Kevin Brennan, Godfrey & Jim Norton; Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-254-3480; 9 & 11, $10-$15 & 2 drink min. [repeats Thurs. & Sun. at 9 & 11, Fri. at 9, 10:45 & 12:30 a.m., Sat. at 7:30, 9:15, 11 & 12:45 a.m.].
Joan Rivers "Raunchy, politically incorrect evening" of stand-up from the trendsetting plastic surgery poster lady?proceeds benefit God's Love We Deliver & Guide Dogs For the Blind; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-533-7000; 8, $25.
Spring Cleaning: A Rebirth Beautiful Ponies sketch/improv group's one night only show, along w/the Whispering Pines Junior College Spring Semester Quarterly Arts Recital feat. an acapella version of "Hey Ya!"; Drama Book Shop, Inc., 250 W. 40th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-944-0595; 9, $5 sugg. don.
The Viy Drawing on influences from Mel Brooks to German Expressionism, this comedy is adapted from a Nikolai Gogol short story; HERE, 145 6th Ave. (betw. Spring & Dominick Sts.), 212-647-0202; 7:30, $15 [repeats Thurs.-Sat.].
Brian Brooks Moving Co. & Julie Atlas Muz pres. "Acre" & "the Rite of Spring" for some serious immersion-type dance experience; Dance Theater Workshop, 219 W. 19th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-924-0077; 7, $25 [repeats Thurs.].
92 on 42: 92nd Street Y Harkness Dance Project pres. David Dorfman Dance?as good on the floor as he is w/alliteration; the Duke, 229 W. 42nd St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-415-5552; 8, $20, $15 st./s.c. [repeats Thurs. & Sat. at 8, Sun. at 2 & 7].
651 Salon pres. Tony-nominated Marlies Yearby, performing exerpts from her new works; BRIC, Fulton St. (Rockwell Pl.), Ft. Greene, 212-352-3101; 8, $15.
"Hello Boys" Michael Conley & Matthew Loren Cohen sing original songs in a hilarious musical comedy examining the "life of a performer living in NYC"; Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-757-0788; 8:30, $10 & 2 drink min.
Barb Jungr U.K. cabaret star returns to NYC to serenade us w/renditions of classic pop tunes & standards, from Dylan to Davies; Mama Rose's, 219 2nd Ave. (betw. 13th & 14th Sts.), 212-533-0558; 7, $25 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sun. & Mon. at 7, Fri. at 9:30].
29th Street Social Club Come see PIT's future as four house improv teams take to the stage; People's Improv Theater, 154 W. 29th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-563-7488; 8, $6.
Bobby Collins pres. his funny characterizations & observational stand-up; Carolines on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; 8, $22.50-$28.50 & 2 drink min. [repeats Fri. & Sat. at 8 & 10:30, Sun. at 8].
Comedy Soapbox NYC's funniest are up on the stand-up soapbox; Nevada Smith's, 74 3rd Ave. (betw. 11th & 12th Sts.), 212-982-2591; 9, $5 [through 3/18].
Everyone Wins at Totem Margot Leitman & Mark-Sam Rosenthal host stand-up show feat. audience participation & prizes!; Totem, 505 E. 12th St. (betw. Aves. A & B), 212-228-3868; 8, free .
Paul Mooney Comedian/writer Mooney, takes some time off from Chapelle's Show to share some of his hard-hitting, side-splitting observations on race; Carolines on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; 10, $24.50-$28.50 & 2 drink min. [repeats Fri. & Sat. at 12:30 a.m., Sun at 10].
The New Trends Comedy Show Headliner comedians host one brand new show in one of the Village's most comfortable rooms; Village Ma, 107 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-529-3808; 9, $10 & 2 drink min.
Joseph Rocha Come for the stand-up, stay for the food!; Sam's, 263 W. 45th St. (8th Ave.), 212-719-3020; 8, $12 & $10 min.
Thursday Night Comedy Show Hogwild hosts a set of new comics each week; Hiroko's Place, 75 Thompson St. (betw. Spring & Broome Sts.), 212-625-1303; 8, 1 item min.
Uncensored Comedy Greg Wilson pres. great line-up of comedians, incl. Dustin Chafin, Ted Alexandro, Laura Levites & Jim Norton; Village Lantern, 167 Bleecker St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-260-7993; 9:30, $4 & 1 drink min. [repeats Fri. at 11:30, Sat. at 8:30, Mon. & Tues. at 9:30].
A-N-D Dance pres. "This is a True Story," an evening of dance & theater driven by rock n' roll, creating wacky sketch comedy; Williamsburg Art neXus, 205 N. 7th St. (betw. Driggs Ave. & Roebling St.), Williamsburg, 718-599-7997; 8, $15 [repeats Fri. & Sat.].
City/Dans pres. Jessica Nicoll & Barry Oreck in new works combining humor & poignancy; Danspace Project at St. Mark's Church, 131 E. 10th St. (2nd Ave.), 212-674-0910, RSVP 212-674-8194; 8:30, $15 [repeats Fri.-Sun.].
"Don't Tell Me Who I Am" Tribute to Rod Rogers from artistic director Kim Grier; La MaMa E.T.C., 74A E. 4th St. (betw. Bowery & 2nd Ave.), 212-475-7710; 7:30, $20 [repeats Fri. & Sat. at 7:30, Sun. at 2:30].
Richard Rivera pres. "Experience the Flight," tightly woven vignettes inspired by Rene Magritte's surrealist paintings; Tribeca Performing Arts Center, 199 Chambers St. (betw. Greenwich & West Sts.), 212-346-8510; 7, $10, $8 st./s.c. [repeats Fri.].
"Get Up & Jive: Even More Songs of Joni Mitchell" Obie-winning experimental theater artist John Kelly does Mitchell in drag; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-533-7000; 7, $20 [repeats Sat.].
Maritess Zurbano Classy magician performs w/cellist David Preiser and pianist Wade Newbern?Conjuror Eric Walton opens; Dillons Restaurant & Bar, 245 W. 54th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-307-9797; 8, $20 & 2 drink min.
Eat and Get Gas Here Classy sketch comedy in the heart of Times Square; the Sage Theater, 711 7th Ave. (48th St.), 212-382-8818; 8, $15, $10 st./s.c. [through 4/23].
Laurie Kilmartin Italian food & lotsa laughs; Sam's, 263 W. 45th St. (8th Ave.), 212-719-3020; 8, $12 & $10 min.
Komedy Kebob Tim Brennan & Pat Rigby host weekly stand-up night?"come for the comedy, stay for the strippers"; Pussycat Lounge, 96 Greenwich St. (Rector St.), 212-349-4800; 7, free .
The McKellog Report Improv show feat. "news you can't trust"; Gotham City Improv, 158 W. 23rd St., 2nd fl. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-367-8222; 8:30, $7.
David J. Nash does stand-up w/Buddy Fitzpatrick & Ben Bailey; Gotham Comedy Club, 34 W. 22nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-367-9000; 8:30 & 10:30, $16 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat. at 8:30, 10:30 & 12:30 a.m.].
Off the Top of Our Heads Fast-paced, short-form improv from one of the city's best groups; Gotham City Improv, 158 W. 23rd St., 2nd fl. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-367-8222; 7, $7 [repeats Sat. at 7].
Piece of Bullshit Pie "The truth is bitter?bullshit pie is delicious!"; Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, 307 W. 26th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-366-9176; 8, $7.
Stand-Up Night of laughs feat. Vanessa Hollingshead, Ardie Fuqua, Lynne Koplitz & Kim Cea; Stand-Up New York, 236 W. 78th St. (B'way), 212-595-0850; 7:30, 10 & 12:15 a.m., $15 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat.].
Ray Ellin hosts stand-up feat. Sue Costello, Tim Young, JJ Ramirez, Keri Louise & Kurt Metzger; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 8:30, 10:30 & 12:30 a.m., $17 & $12 min.
Sweet Paprika Ophira Eisenberg & Allison Castillo host this weekly comedy show w/special guests; Village Lantern, 167 Bleecker St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-260-7993; 8:30, $5.
3-Way Mexican Lei Try the Berkovits wit & the nachos grande?also, stand-up from Floridian Duncan Jay & Long Islander Allegra Barnett; Maui Tacos, 330 5th Ave. (betw. 32nd & 33rd Sts.), 212-868-9720; 8, 6:30 sign-up, 1 item min.
Maura Nguyen Donohue & Le Vu Long pres. "Enemy/Territory," tearing across borders w/some Vietnamese flavor; Dance Theater Workshop, 219 W. 19th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-924-0077; 7, $25 [repeats Sat.].
Flamenco Latino sings & dances w/guests Yloy Ybarra & Maya de Silva; Alegrias Restaurant, 239 W. 14th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 917-880-9737; $10.
Fridays@Noon: Text and Movement Informal showings of works in progress?see what develops; 92nd St. Y, 1395 Lexington Ave. (92nd St.), 212-415-5500; 12 p.m., free
Israeli Folk-Dance Madness Ruth Goodman & Danny Uziel hold a lesson from 7-8 & then open up the floor to rythmic mayhem; 92nd St. Y, 1395 Lexington Ave. (92nd St.), 212-415-5500; 7, $12.
"no common threads..." Collaborative mutimedia performance feat. two composers, three choreographers, seven dancers, three musicians & one pissed-off listings intern; Merce Cunningham Studio, 55 Bethune St. (Washington St.), 718-482-3512; 9, $15, $12 st./s.c. [repeats Sat. & Sun. at 8].
Polish American Folk Dance Co. From the fiery mazurka to the stately promenades, these poles are ready to rock your block; Town Hall, 123 W. 43rd St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-840-2824; 8, $35-$30.
"Coney Island Freak Show" feat. classic freaks & human curiosities incl. fire & sword swallower Tyler Fyre, bug eater Insectivora, python charmer Serpentina & glass muncher Professor Scott Baker?plus dirty jokes & legions of strippers; Cutting Room, 19 W. 24th St. (betw. B'way & 6th Ave.), 212-691-1900; 10, $15.
Glorya Wholesome's Living Legends feat. "Manhattan's top Madonna impersonator," the One Madiva, the Sinsational Cindy, the Tantalizing Miss Tanya, the Enticing Egypt & the Precious Miss Passion; Now Bar, 22 7th Ave. S. (Leroy St.), 212-293-0323; 10, $15-$20.
Louder Than Words Host Guy LeCharles Gonzalez promises an intelligent variety show w/poetry, rousing debates & other performances w/a political edge; Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (betw. Bleecker & Houston Sts.), 212-614-0505; 8, $6.
Songs of Henry Purcell and Benjamin Britten Drew Minter, James Ruff, Robert Osborne & Thomas Sauer pres. songs by two of England's greatest composers; Church of St. Luke in the Fields, 487 Hudson St. (Grove St), 718-788-1988; 8, $25, $20 st./s.c.
The Brooklyn Brew-Ha-Ha Bryan Olsen is running things w/Christian Finnegin, Rusty Ward, Patrick Borelli, Larry Getlen, Nicole Korkolis, Allison Castillo, Pat Galante, Mike Storck & Val Kappa; Boudoir Bar at East End Ensemble, 273 Smith St. (betw. Sackett & Degraw Sts.), Carroll Gardens, 718-624-8878; 9:30, $5 & 2 drink min.
Danny Cohen stand-up; Sam's, 263 W. 45th St. (8th Ave.), 212-719-3020; 8, $12 & $10 min.
"If We Were Men, We'd Be Famous" feat. Gilda Konrad, Shecky Beagleman, Janet Rosen & Franca Vercelloni?c'mon, if they were men, you'd go; Rose's Turn, 55 Grove St. (betw. 7th Ave. & Christopher St.), 212-366-5438; 9, $5 & 2 drink min.
Bill McCarty emcees stand-up from Vanessa Hollingshead, Eddie Iffit, Ardie Fuqua, Lenny Marcus & Ted Alexandro; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 6, 8, 10:15 & 12.30 a.m., $17 & $12 min.
Poole Party! Ron Poole hosts long-running comedy/variety show feat. Joe Caulfield, Susie Felber, Shelagh Ratner, Michael Clark, Vicki Van Tassel, Gabe Waldman, Eris Migliorini & Sidney Myer; Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-757-0788; 8:30, $10 & 2 drink min.
"Rock 2: The New Rock Albers Show" MAC award-winner returns w/musical parodies of James Bond, Britney Spears, The Golden Girls & Oklahoma, the state, performed in a Brooks Brothers suit, paired w/fuzzy pink bunny ears; Duplex, 61 Christopher St. (7th Ave.), 212-255-5438; 5, $10 & 2 drink min.
Integration feat. choreography by Luis Lara MalvacÌas, Melanie Maar, Jeremy Nelson & Pascale Wettstein; Clemente Soto Velez Cultural Center, 107 Suffolk St. (betw. Delancey & Rivington Sts.), 718-637-3527; 8, $12 [repeats Sun.].
Kraig Patterson Killer Kraig explores some dark feelings w/his feet; Tribeca Performing Arts Center, 199 Chambers St. (betw. Greenwich & West Sts.), 212-346-8510; 7, $10, $8 st./s.c. [repeats Sun. at 3].
Friends & Family Kick off the week on a gentle note, when Josh Haness hosts comedy night w/a "friendly & familial atmosphere"; Beauty Bar, 231 E. 14th St. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-539-1389; 8, free .
Kids 'N Comedy Karen Bergreen pres. funny kid stand-ups Christopher Furguson, Luke Hofmaier, Sam Rappold & Rachel Resnik. Kids from the audience can participate too; Gotham Comedy Club, 34 W. 22nd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-367-9000; 3 p.m., $15 & 1 drink min.
Pussy Hut Come celebrate the fact that Todd Montesi's raw Sunday night stand-up showcase is still around!; Village Ma, 107 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-529-3808; 9:00, 1 drink min.
Wildfire All-star improv feat. funny people from the nation's best improv acts; Gotham City Improv, 158 W. 23rd St., 2nd fl. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-367-8222; 8, $7.
Israeli Folk Dance Festival Live music from Amir & Ron, plus 250 dancers, craft fair & activities; Martin Luther King, Jr. High School, 122 Amsterdam Ave. (66th St.), 212-926-2960; 11 a.m., $15, $10 st./s.c.
Good Jewish Girls Gone Bad Goddess Perlman hosts regulars, incl. poet Vanessa Hidary, songwriter Michelle Citrin, comedian Cynthia Levin & the Shiksa Dancers, w/special guests; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-533-7000; 9:30, $12.
Monday Evening Burlesque The World Famous *BOB* is sure to bring all her assest to the classic, tassle-twirling night of fun; Galapagos, 70 N. 6th St. (betw. Wythe & Kent Aves.), Williamsburg, 718-782-5188; 9:30, free .
More Infinite Joy: the Music of William Finn feat. Betty Buckley; Merkin Concert Hall at Kaufman Center, 129 W. 67th St. (betw. B'way & Amsterdam Ave.), 212-501-3330; 8, $25.
Show & Tell Those crazy O'Debra Twins host a "wet & wild open mic" as performers "have seven minutes in heaven to do whatever the heck they want"; Bowery Poetry Club, 308 Bowery (betw. Bleecker & Houston Sts.), 212-614-0505; 10, $3.
"Clonan's Spring Fling" feat. stand-up from Joey Gay & Case Murphy, sketch w/the Fifth dentist & Black Hole Television & it wouldn't be CBGB without live music from band, Ride the Mole; CBGB Downstairs Lounge, 313 Bowery (Bleecker St.), 212-677-0455; 8, $6.
Hysteria Weekly stand-up showcase that'll have you in stiches; Lion's Den, 214 Sullivan St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-477-2782; 9-11, 2 drink min.
Initial Stages Production built around works-in-progress, incl. stand-up, sketches, one-person shows & improv; Workshop Theater Co., 312 W. 36th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-695-4173; 9, $5.
Mamalogues Hayden Ward's funny one-mama show about growing up with her mother in Georgia?paired with Jayne Napier's "Rattled"; Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, 307 W. 26th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-366-9176; 8, $5.
New Talent Night Stand-up comedy from fresh new talent; Carolines on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; 7 & 9:30, $15 & 2 drink min.
Colin Quinn Funny man performs stand-up w/Robert Kelly, Sherrod Small, Godfrey, Keith Robinson & Pete Correale; Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-254-3480; 9 & 11, $10 & 2 drink min. [repeats Tues.].
Tonight at Nine Joe Dixon hosts a brand new open mic sketch group night that is free to watch & $5 to perform?the way it should be!; Revival Lounge, 129 E. 15th St. (betw. Irving Pl. & 3rd Ave.), 212-253-8061; 9, free .
Dance Jam Everyone's invited to the Children's Aid Society's weekly dance improv?open to all movers, even those lacking backgrounds in modern or other dance forms, incl. contact improv, martial arts, acting or release techniques; Children's Aid Society, 219 Sullivan St. (betw. W. 3rd & Bleecker Sts.), 212-254-3074; 8:15, $8.
Chef's Theatre Part dinner, part show! Star chef cooks your food in front of you & then you get to chow down while a Broadway star takes over the entertainment duties; Supper Club, 240 W. 47th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-921-1940; 6:30, $115-$125.
Mark Demayo's One Man Show Comic Mark Demayo hosts a "one man" show feat. female comics?one man, geddit?; Carolines on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; 7, $17 & 2 drink min.
Get Starkers Comedy Night Take in some improv at this new Willy B bar; Alligator Lounge, 600 Metropolitan Ave. (Lorimer St.), 718-599-4440; 9, free .
New Class Clowns Go back to school w/host Bryan Kennedy & his funny cohorts; Carolines on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; 9:30, $12 & 2 drink min.
A Night of 50 Tits Some of the best female comics bare all feat. Maureen Marren, Joh Briley, Stacey Prussman, Leanna Conley, Shecky Beagleman, Tamar Kummel, Helen Maalik, Amy Mahfouz, Melanie Klein, Tamsin Atkinson, Bonnie O., Annette Lorenzo, Rita Ashdale & Connie Perry; NY Comedy Club, 241 E. 24th St. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-696-5233; 8, $8 & 2 drink min.
Send Robert Cohen to the World Series of Poker Benefit Show Know when to fold them...Patrick Borelli, Jessi Klein, Wendy Spero & Brian "John" Travolta tell jokes to raise money to send Cohen to the championships in Las Vegas; Siberia, 356 W. 40th St. (9th Ave.), 212-333-4141; 8:30, $10.
Performance times follow the paper's publishing schedule (Weds.-Tues.). We recommend calling theaters to verify.
Bombay Dreams Two Indians apparently stand under a waterfall scantily clad in A.R. Rahman's new musical fresh from London; Broadway Theatre, 1681 B'way (betw. 52nd & 53rd Sts.), 212-239-6200; call for times & prices [opens 4/29].
The Journals of Mihail Sebastian "chronicles the rise of anti-Semitism in World War II era Bucharest"; Phil Bosakowski Theatre, 354 W. 45th St., 2nd Fl. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-352-3101; Weds.-Sat. at 8, mat. Sun. at 2, $19 [through 4/4].
The Marijuana-Logues "Catch the buzz"; Actor's Playhouse, 100 7th Ave. S. (betw. Bleecker & Christopher Sts.), 212-239-6200; Weds., Thurs. & Tues. at 8, Fri. & Sat. at 8 & 10, mat. Sun. at 4:20, $55 [opens 3/30].
Mr. Fox: A Rumination "A reflection on the life and work of America's first celebrity clown"; Signature Theater Company, 555 W. 42nd St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 212-244-PLAY; call for times & prices [opens 3/28, through 5/2].
Mrs. Farnsworth New A.R. Gurney comedy starring John Lithgow & Sigourney Weaver; the Flea Theater, 41 White St. (betw. B'way & Church St.), 212-206-1515; Weds.-Sat. at 7, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 3, $15-$50 [opens 4/7, through 5/8].
The Truth About Blayds and Mr. Pim Passes By, two plays by Winnie the Pooh author A.A. Milne; Mint Theater, 311 W. 43rd St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-352-0255; call for times & prices [opens 4/14].
Well Star Lisa Kron "sets out to explore the dynamics of health, family and community with the story of her mother's extraordinary ability to heal a changing neighborhood, despite her inability to heal herself"; Joe's Pub, 425 Lafayette St. (betw. E. 4th St. & Astor Pl.), 212-539-8778; call for times, $50 [opens 3/28].
When We Dead Awaken Ibsen on the role of the artist; Theater 80, 80 St. Mark's Pl. (1st Ave.), 212-868-4444; call for times, $10-$30 [opens 4/4].
Accidental Nostalgia "An operetta about the pros and cons of amnesia"; St. Ann's Warehouse, 38 Water St. (betw. Dock & Main Sts.), Dumbo, 718-858-2424; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, Sun. at 7, $25 [through 4/4].
All About Sneakers "An old-fashioned story of love"; Wings Theatre, 154 Christopher St. (Washington St.), 212-502-0318; call for times, $15.
Aunt Dan and Lemon Wallace Shawn, star of Princess Bride, co-author of My Dinner with Andre & son of famed New Yorker editor William Shawn, offers new production of his "political horror story"; Kirk Theater, 410 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-279-4200; call for times, $50 [through 3/27].
Bee-Luther Hatchee "Shelita Burns, an up-and-coming African-American book editor in New York City, publishes the memoirs of an elderly, Southern black woman named Libby Price, only to discover that the author is not exactly who she seems"; Blue Heron Arts Center, 123 E. 24th St. (betw. Park Ave. S. & Lexington Ave.), 212-868-4444; call for times, $15 [through 4/4].
Big Bill "Bill Tilden was considered one of the greatest tennis players of all time, dominating the sport in the 1920s by winning seven U.S. championships. He was also a closeted homosexual"; Mitzi E. Newhouse Theater, 150 W. 46th (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $60 [through 5/16].
Carnival Knowledge "A gasp-inducing journey into the subculture of circus and sideshow"; Soho Playhouse, 15 Vandam St. (6th Ave.), 212-691-1555; call for times, $35-$45.
Cirque Jacqueline: Behind the Facade of Jackie O. History of the former first lady incl. her turbulent childhood; the Triad, 158 W. 72nd St. (betw. Amsterdam & Columbus Aves.), 212-362-2590; Weds. at 7:30, $30 [through 4/21].
Dolphin Up a Tree Children's musical feat. Tina Talkington, who turns herself into many things incl. a dolphin & a tree; 78th Street Theater Lab, 236 W. 78th St. (B'way), 212-873-9050; Sun. at 11 a.m., $12.95 [through 4/8].
EatFest: Spring 2004 "Semi-annual short play festival features work of over 60 artists"; Douglas Fairbanks Theater, 432 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $15 [through 4/4].
The Falcon's Magic Feather Children's theater piece about princess & enchanted falcon based on Russian folklore; Vital Theatre Co., 432 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-592-0129; mats. Sat. at 1, Sun. at 1 & 3, $14 [through 3/28].
Fiddler on the Roof Alfred Molina stars as Tevye...although you can get the same thing, plus potato pancakes & a smokin' version of "Satisfaction" over at Sammy's Roumanian on Chrystie Street; Minskoff Theatre, 200 W. 45th St. (7th Ave.), 212-307-4100; call for times.
The Fist Set on the eve of Israeli solider's trial for refusing to uphold the occupation of the West Bank & Gaza strip; Theater for the New City, 155 1st Ave. (betw. 9th & 10th Sts.), 212-254-1109; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $10 [through 4/11].
From Door to Door Three generations of women become very different mothers; Westside Theatre, 447 W. 43rd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-239-6200; call for times, $55.
Golda's Balcony Tova Feldshuh portrays "the rise of Golda Meir from impoverished Russian schoolgirl to prime minister"; Helen Hayes Theatre, 240 W. 44th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-239-6200; call for times & prices.
Great Men of Gospel "Follows the evolution of gospel music in America"; Henry St. Settlement Abrons Arts Center, 466 Grand St. (Pitt St.), 212-598-0400; Weds.-Fri. at 7:30, Sat. at 8, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $30 [through 4/11].
Gutenberg: The Musical! "The true story of Johann Gutenberg?the man who invented the printing press" (shit, we thought this was about Police Academy cadet, Steve); Upright Citizens Brigade Theater, 307 W. 26th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-366-9176; Weds. at 8.
Hekabe Anne Carson's translation of Euripides' story of the Queen of Troy; 92nd St. Y, 1395 Lexington Ave. (92nd St.), 212-415-5500; Mon. at 8, $16.
Henry IV Meet Hal, Shakespeare's most charismatic hero; Workshop Theater Co., 312 W. 36th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-695-4173; call for times & prices [through 4/3].
Homebody/Kabul Linda Emond & Maggie Gyllenhaal star in Tony Kushner play; BAM Harvey Theater, 651 Fulton St. (betw. Rockwell & Ashland Pls.), Ft. Greene, 718-636-4100; call for times, $25-$65 [through 5/30].
Internal "An evening of mental spring cleaning"; Collective Unconscious, 145 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-254-5277; call for times, $10-$15.
Jack! Family-friendly "rock-bluegrass musical based on the Appalachian version of the medieval fairy-tale, Jack and the Beanstalk"; Looking Glass Theater, 422 W. 57th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-307-9467; call for times, $12, $10 child [through 4/10].
Johnny Guitar "A new musical based on the 1954 cult film favorite"; Century Center for the Performing Arts, 115 E. 15th St. (betw. Park & 3rd Aves.), 800-490-1175; call for times & prices.
Match Couple interview famous, aging choreographer & find out they have connection to him; Plymouth Theater, 236 W. 45th St. (6th Ave.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, call for prices [through 4/4].
Matt & Ben "What if the only thing standing between you and destiny was Ben Affleck?"; P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (9th St.), 212-477-5288; call for times, $22.50.
Menopause The Musical "is the parody that chronicles the meeting of four women at a lingerie sale in Bloomingdale's fighting over a black lace bra with nothing in common but memory loss, hot flashes, night sweats, chocolate binges, wrinkles, plastic surgery, hormones, not enough sex, too much sex, and much more"; Playhouse 91, 316 E. 91st St. (2nd Ave.), 212-307-4100; call for times & prices.
Moms "Veteran stage and television actress Clarice Taylor is resurrecting America's first female stand-up comedienne, Jackie "Moms" Mabley, for the off-Broadway stage"; Kirk Theater, 410 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-279-4200; call for times & prices.
Moo! The Twisted Tale of Dinky Farms "Animal Farm meets 'Looney Tunes'"; Manhattan Theatre Source, 177 MacDougal St. (W. 8th St.), 212-501-4751; Weds.-Sat. at 8, $15.
The Moonlight Room Two highschool students spend Saturday night waiting in the ER for news of a friend?we've all been there!; Samuel Beckett Theatre, 410 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-279-4200; call for times, $45, $15 st.
More Yeardley Smith, the voice of Lisa Simpson, in one-woman show about fame, or rather a lack of it; Union Square Theater, 100 E. 17th St. (Park Ave. S.), 212-505-0700; call for times, $20-$60.
My Big Gay Italian Wedding Needless to say, the plot revolves around a few obstacles to a traditional Catholic affair...; Actor's Playhouse, 100 7th Ave. S. (betw. Bleecker & Christopher Sts.), 212-239-6200; Fri. at 10, mat. Sat. at 3, $40 [through 5/29].
My Kitchen Wars "A declaration of food, infidelity and emancipation"; 78th Street Theater Lab, 236 W. 78th St. (B'way), 212-873-9050; Weds.-Sat. at 8, Sun. at 7:30, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2:30, Sun. at 3, $35.
No Exodus "A barefoot and stuttering Shepard is approached by God and asked to go back to Egypt to confront the powerful Pharaoh. Armed with little more than a phrase, 'I am that I am,' he unhappily obliges"; John Houseman Theater, 450 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-206-1515; call for times & prices.
Nocturnal Commissions New play will be auctioned at 6:30, followed by dinner & then a performance; New Dramatists, 424 W. 44th St. (10th Ave.), 212-757-6960; Mon. at 9, call for prices.
Open Heart "New musical [takes] comic look at how we discover and determine life's priorities"; Cherry Lane Theater, 38 Commerce St. (Bleecker St.), 212-206-1515; call for times, $50 [through 4/25].
Orchidelirium "Take the journey across two centuries and explore the one flower that can cause a fever in the brains of humans; a desire to possess, to create and to control so strong that it has been declared a medical condition"...and w/that they've got the attention of every single person in this city. Now where do we buy the pill to cure it? LA? Ah, fuck it; Club Shelter, 20 W. 39th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-719-9867; call for times, $10-$15 [through 4/8].
Pride's Crossing "celebrates the life of a high spirited, 90-year old heroine, Mabel Tidings Bigelow, the first woman to swim the English Channel from Dover to Calais"; T. Schreiber Studio, 151 W. 29th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-352-3101; call for times, $8-$40.
Secret Service Revival of 1895 spy thriller; Metropolitan Playhouse, 220 E. 4th St. (betw. Aves. A & B), 212-995-5302; call for times, $19, $15 st./s.c. [through 4/4].
Silent Laughter Pre-talkie cinema w/live music, pratfalls, pranks, pies in the face, sultry vamps, little tramps & a conundrum of Keystone Cops; Lamb's Theater, 130 W. 44th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-239-6200; call for times & prices.
Sixteen Wounded Play about friendship betw. aging Jewish baker & young Palestinian starring Judd Hirsch & Martha Plimpton; the Walter Kerr Theater, 219 W. 48th St. (6th Ave.), 212-239-6200; call for times & prices [opens 4/15].
The Sound of a Hammer Hitting the Head Uh...pres. by "Kwatz! The Tibetan Project"; West End Theater Church of St. Paul & St. Andrew, 263 W. 86th St. (betw. B'way & West End Ave.), 212-362-3328; call for times, $10-$40 [through 4/11].
The Stendhal Syndrome Isabella Rossellini & Richard Thomas star in latest by Terrence McNally; Primary Stages, 354 W. 45th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-333-4052; call for times