Hasbian Helper

I'm a woman who's been involved with other women for most of my life. (I haven't been with a man since my early twenties.) My last relationship-with a woman-lasted about five years and ended a year ago. Now, as I get older, I suddenly find myself wanting to be married to a man and hopefully have a child or two. Over the years, my values and interests have changed and I'm struggling with how much information to share with dates about my past homosexuality. When is it an appropriate time to disclose such history? I have gone on a couple dates recently, but when men ask about my dating history (which they have a right to know), I get red-faced and tongue-tied. I don't want to scare men off, but at the same time feel the need to be honest about my past. Any ideas? -Lapsed Lesbian Oh, my sweet little breeder-come-lately. . . you are so funny! So naïve! And soooo off the mark thinking you're going to scare a man off by confessing your sapphic past! The question you ask is a valid one, but your reasoning behind it is flawed. See, ask any man what their biggest, fattest, most boringly predictable fantasy is and it's inevitably a man sammitch; with him as the meat filling in your sandwich of sin. (Get it? You and another dame are the bread.)

A lot of straight broads won't go the threesome route for various assorted reasons (they don't like to share, aren't into dining downtown, etc.). And while having a big gay past doesn't necessarily mean you're any more likely to invite another lady into the sack with your newly beloved, that's what's going to pop into most men's minds upon hearing the news you've tasted twat. And once that idea pops in, good luck popping it back out. Prepare to be pestered.

Which is why you shouldn't be running around telling every frat boy who crosses your sheets. Wait till you meet someone who looks like a long-term possibility. It's not a disclosure along the lines of an STD that demands you tell prior to full-frontal, nor is it something that is so shocking you need to turn it into a big deal.

Unless. . . you mention that you've had a change in "values," and that makes me a tad queasy. You're not one of those creepy scripture-quoting graduates of Camp God-Only-Likes-Straight-Peeps, are you? I sure hope you weren't brainwashed into thinking lesbianism is some sort of aberration or crime against humanity. Uh, because it's not and the hatemongers who run organizations like "the International Healing Foundation" (a misnomer if ever there was one), and purport to "cure" homosexuality are noxious and evil and I can't even believe we live in a world where this is an issue. Then again, god created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve and the laughably misnamed "intelligent design" is finding its way into classrooms.

Ahem. But that's probably not the case with you, now is it? For the sake of keeping my lunch down, we're going to assume you're just someone who-like a lot of people (especially of the female variety)-has a sort of fluid sexual identity and leave it at that. Which brings us back around to your question. Please don't sweat explaining your dating history, because hey, welcome to dating the hairier sex; unlike us ladies, who like to painstakingly dissect situations and analyze not only our feelings, but from whence these emotions stem; men don't really give a shit. They're a lot easier-going (i.e. oblivious) than us. Throw in a few gender-neutral pronouns (e.g., "my ex," and "they" spring to mind), announce you're one year out of a five-year relationship and he'll be none the wiser and you can wait and see whether or not to bother giving him the full scoop. Bear in mind that most dudes only hear, on average, about half of what comes out of your mouth (that's being generous), and if you can keep yourself from having a sputtering red-faced spazz-attack, you'll be fine. I can almost guarantee he won't press the issue because first of all, nobody really wants to hear about those who've come before them, and second, he probably didn't register your answer anyway. And yes, you may think Mr. Hotty McPecsosteel is listening to you because he'll give a head tilt and offer the occasional "really?" but the fact is, he's busy looking at your boobies.