New York International Independent Film and Video Festival; The People's Poetry Gathering; Cutthroats 9 Play CBGB; Ned Does Soho

Fun begins Saturday with a party at the terrace level of MSG, 7 p.m. Entry will cost you $20. The rest of the festival consists of screenings at Clearview Cinema (239 E. 59th St., betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves., 777-FILM #615), E.L. Tinker Auditorium (22 E. 60th St., betw. Park & Madison Aves., 355-6100) and Le Bar Bat (311 W. 57th St., betw. 8th & 9th Aves., 307-7228). Seminars will take place at I.T.N. Studio (873 B'way, betw. 18th & 19th Sts., 777-7100). Unfortunately, I.T.N. is the only one of these venues offering free admission; the others charge $10 a head, with Le Bar Bat throwing in allegedly free drinks. My highlights follow; they might not necessarily be yours, so check www.nyfilmvideo.com for a full schedule:

Sunday at the E.L. Tinker Auditorium is New Clear Farm, an eight-minute short about inebriated agricultural workers discovering an atom bomb on their property. Grand prize at the Fort Worth Film Festival; 6 p.m.

Tuesday at I.T.N is the dangerous "Who Ever Said an Actor Couldn't Become a Director?" seminar, hosted by Fred Dreyer. He starred in the tv series Hunter and directed, uh, Highway 395; 2 p.m.

Sunday at Clearview is Goodbye Casanova, a romantic comedy in which the ghost of Casanova, trapped in a pop-up book in a rare-books store with his lover (Yasmine Bleeth), must save a failing marriage; at noon. For fans of Yasmine: this one is even better than The Face.

...Speaking of faces, you'll see a whole new "face" put on poetry this weekend (oh!) as the People's Poetry Gathering brings a construction worker, a fisherman and an undertaker to the Hewitt building in Cooper Union (41 Cooper Sq., betw. 5th & 6th Sts.) to read their "occupational poems." The undertaker's name is Thomas Lynch and the fisherman's is Wesley "Geno" Leech. You know you want to hear what they have to say about the world. From 3-4:15 p.m. on Saturday and understandably free.

The People's Poetry Gathering actually runs all weekend long, to kick off April, National Poetry Month. A recent resurgence in the art form (those refrigerator magnet poems: two million sold) has filled this year's event with interesting readings, including "Poe in the Graveyard" on Saturday at midnight, hosted by aforementioned undertaker Mr. Lynch (Marble Cemetery, 52-74 E. 2nd St., betw. 1st & 2nd Aves., $5). Also, on Friday at midnight at Culture Project (45 Bleecker St. at Lafayette St., 253-7017), you get "Polymorphously/PerVerse II," erotic poetry curated by the trio of Elena Alexander, Tina Chang and Barbara Einzig. That's $5; they know to charge for that one.

...For those who find poetry unfulfilling, the Cutthroats 9 play CBGB (315 Bowery at Bleecker St., 982-4052) this Saturday, combining one-note hardcore vocals with biiiig riffs. Sounds a bit like Rage Against the Machine used to, only the Cutthroats 9 play live and don't follow a formula from 1991 quite so slavishly. They throw in the occasional bluesy lead and country bend on their self-titled Man's Ruin debut?very nifty.

Remember, that cheap piece of black plywood with a key position in the CBGB floor is bound to snap sooner or later. Might as well be when these guys are onstage. With JJ Paradise Player's Club at 8:30 p.m.; tickets $10.

...Let's talk for a minute about food. As in late-night snack food. Aka "junk food." Aka your diet.

When you're mentally unbalanced in a local deli at 3:30 a.m., looking at a rack of Doritos, Cheetos and Wise, it can be tough to make a decision. Luckily, the manufacturers of these products are required by the FDA to print their snacks' mass in grams on the outside of every bag. Thanks to the government, all you need to do to get the most out of your junk food dollar is remember: a penny a gram.

Bet you never thought it could be so simple. Yeah, a penny a gram is the de facto rate on snack foods in New York City. Established by the 99-cent bags of Cheetos, which hold 99.2 grams, it applies to those pesky 59-cent Doritos (49.6g?not bad), 99-cent Hostess cupcakes (99g) and plain old 25-cent Wise potato chips (28g). Doritos 3D's are a rip-off: 99 cents for 60g. But if you're willing to spend more than $1, you can beat the penny-a-gram rule and have leftovers the next day: Herr's Caramel Popcorn with Peanuts is $1.49 for 213g.

But wait?you say you like Terra chips? Don't be chumpy. Once you step up to the junk food rack, you're dealing with the same family of extruded starch products, and the penny-a-gram method is the only intelligent way to make a decision. New York nightlife is expensive; don't let a fear of fifth-grade math or brand loyalty to a particular division of RJR Nabisco keep you from getting the most out of your late-night dollar.

...Mini-blurbs from a Monday evening in Soho: Scharmann's (386 W. B'way, betw. Spring & Broome Sts., 219-2561) had advertised "A Hard Days Night?come enjoy an evening of relaxation while listening to Beatles and post-Beatles solo projects." But when I got there, about 13 people were milling around the huge space (as in, so huge you couldn't find the bar) while the staff mopped and rounded up salt-and-pepper shakers. Turns out the Beatles thing got scrapped and the bar closes at 11. Next.

The Lounge at 203 Spring St. (at Sullivan St., 334-3855)?still with no name?provided a polite, costumed barkeep and attractive women a few feet away. Not enough to justify the dreaded $9 white Russian. Up the block, jackpot hit at Red Bench (107 Sullivan St., betw. Prince & Spring Sts., 274-9120), where a trio who looked like they should be working the diner on Seinfeld tended bar, inquired as to whether I was local and kept good music playing. Although the couches in back went mostly unused, I could picture them full of actress-model-whatevers on the weekends. Rock on.