This Week's Horoscope

Not satisfied with the parts ya got? Go work for the city of San Francisco?they're planning on including sex-change operations in the health insurance package provided to municipal employees. That's right: up to 50 grand for gender reassignment surgery. Makes sense to me?this is hardly cosmetic enhancement we're talking about here. People simply don't undergo this kind of dramatic procedure as capriciously as they might a nose- or boob-job, not even those as whimsical as you, Pisces. As you consider (again) the drastic idea that crossed your mind at least seven times last week, keep this in mind: it's even more complicated and irreversible than resculpting your genitals, more expensive and not covered by your insurance.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

In his 1996 novel Infinite Jest, David Foster Wallace describes using years as corporate advertising. Instead of being known as 2001, for instance, this might be March 7 of The Year of the Depends Adult Undergarment, or Year of Wonder Bread. Five years later, this ludicrous concept is nearly an actuality, with nonprofit institutions like museums and parks suddenly bearing the names of the highest bidders. Slapping a company logo on an aquarium is supposed to make a business seem community-oriented and philanthropic, but "donations" made in this context seem transparently suspect?almost as conspicuously questionable as your own motives lately. People see right through you; better make sure what they see is something more substantive than scrawling your name on the side of a children's hospital and calling it community work instead of advertising.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Cut off your nose to spite your face: you'd never do that?but you would consider chopping off your hands to get out of doing something you don't like. You'd love strolling away with a clear conscience, hollering, "Kiss my stumps!" over your shoulder. Consider the long view, though. It's a cop-out to give up personal power just to become too weak to do something you disagree with. Not only that, but getting that power back?sewing your hands back on, so to speak?may be virtually impossible. In other words, get your hands dirty this week?you'll have plenty of time to clean (or chop) them off later.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You take the high road, I'll take the low road. Call me on your cellphone when you're halfway there and we'll compare notes. So you're confused by the choices laid before you. Perhaps you wish there were fewer paths to choose from. Should you take the long, scenic, easy route; the short, challenging, direct one; or the one that may not go where you think you're going at all? Relax. This is kiddie stuff. You're the big boss now: Delegate. In Star Trek they always send expendable extras into the unknown. You do the same, since you can?we need you for the next episode, at least.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You're snowed in, miles from anywhere, stranded in a freezing landscape of impassable drifts. No one knows you're here, and your cellphones aren't getting service. Don't panic and volunteer your tender flesh to ensure the survival of your companions. Compassionate martyrdom aside, backing out of anything at this stage would be suicide. Besides, I guarantee the others involved will get a lot further devouring the nourishing plenty of your thoughts than they ever would chewing your gristle.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

I've seen it happen before. Her wealth and/or fame grows, matched only by her sense of entitlement. She becomes a demanding bitch. Is this your story? It doesn't have to be. I wish you all the success you can imagine, and I refuse to cringe at the prospect of you becoming a self-indulgent, intolerable brat. To prevent that, simply retain this basic concept: "While I'm as special and wonderful as it's possible to be, so is everyone else." Then consider it your duty to help everyone remember how great you all are.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Back in February, the last time your ruling planet went retrograde, I hope you took note of how many things actually went wrong. The incidence of plane (and helicopter) crashes, automobile breakdowns and computer meltdowns increased dramatically. Meanwhile, more prosaic instances of misplaced keys and wallets went through the roof. I don't know a single person who emerged from the last period of Mercury Retrograde unscathed?although the Virgos seemed to suffer the least. That's because you leave so little to chance. However, small risks equal negligible gains. It's safe to gamble now?at least for this week. Wager something more than yesterday's dirty undies; your payback's likely to be a whole new wardrobe?already clean.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

At least as important as their sexual appeal is breasts' natural ability to nourish, often underemphasized or overlooked. A boy was taken from his mother because he was still breast-feeding at five years old. The "authorities" cited their concern for the boy's emotional health to justify his removal. Never mind the damage inflicted by forcible separation from his mom. Their dirty minds were bothered by something that was probably not remotely sexual for the parties involved, despite their disturbing perspective. Your own point of view might be similarly skewed?at least consider the possibility before you get involved in something that might be better off left alone.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

For every gray hair you pull, two more grow in its place (supposedly). It's pointless and ineffective trying to deny your age or resist it. Why should you? You tend to age well, becoming more attractive as your experience and self-knowledge grow. Scorpios who use face-lifts and dye-jobs to hide their maturity are selling themselves short. In fact, let me tell you a little secret: your best bet at getting what you want this week (whether it's sex, love or money) is by flaunting your age, or even exaggerating it. So go ahead; draw on a few extra crow's-feet. You never know what they might get you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

According to Roswellrods.com, rods are a heretofore-undiscovered life form. These fascinatingly inane animals (?) "swim" through the air at speeds that make them almost impossible to glimpse with the naked eye. Virtually nothing is known about these elusive creatures (which apparently can reach almost a foot in length) since none have ever been captured or studied. Uh-huh. Well, that's faith, I guess. It seems important to many people to believe in something they can't quite prove, including you. But don't throw your devotion at any old thing that flits past the corner of your eye. Short of demanding incontrovertible evidence (which would make faith irrelevant), at least require that the object of your unproven convictions be worth your while.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Mayor Giuliani of New York has taken offense at one of Renee Cox's photographic works, Yo Mama's Last Supper, in which the part of Jesus is played by the artist herself, naked. Why Mr. G. found a naked black woman as Christ so detestable is beyond me. Poor Jesus was probably not the handsome white man the Mayor is used to seeing. But that's not the point. What I love is how by pointing out and objecting to her work, the Mayor is only drawing attention to it, and causing more people to see and hear of it than would ever have otherwise. The lesson: If you don't like something, shut up about it, and hope that no one else notices it. Chances are, they won't.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

I thought I was a true master of slack. Parceling out bits of my day with gourmet laziness, I'd moodily sway between waxing nostalgic, halfhearted reminiscence, spacing out and shooting the shit. I even unnec. abbrev. words. But you've surpassed me. The flavors of sloth you've added to your repertoire have expanded the bounds of indolence immeasurably. It's sheer brilliance, the plethora of meaningless activities you've used to expand your idleness. But is this really how you want your genius remembered? If not, better change your tack, or at least your undies, you lazy thing.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:Caeriel@yahoo.com%0D%0D)