This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:52

    Aries (March 21-April 19) The elevator of your life's ups and downs is slowly dinging toward the top floor. The numbers click upward: you know you've got at least a couple golden days ahead. You know these days, when everyone seems beautiful?even those scrubs you wouldn't normally look twice at?and everything just seems to fall into place perfectly. While you enjoy these moments, don't be haunted by your knowledge of their impermanence. Of course the elevator's got to descend again at some point. But it's also bound to come back up. The coolest part is: the very next time you ascend to the heights, you'll have added a whole new floor to explore. Taurus (April 20-May 20) Whenever I go through some internal change, major or minor, I like to manifest it physically in some way?a new haircut, name, piercing or place to live. It may look like I'm just another participant in the Witness Relocation Program, but it's my little ritual to make the change real. You're a pretty slow and profound changer yourself. Even decisions that appear rash to others have been percolating around your head for a long time. Your own impressive stick-to-it-iveness rarely needs enhancement, but you might want to consider making use of my little trick when considering how to follow through on the "life-path decisions" you may make this week. Gemini (May 21-June 20) Every Gemini has at least two personalities. When it comes to love, this can be problematic. Your quick-witted, charming persona has no trouble talking people into bed. But the lover who falls for this shining star might not love (or even recognize) the less vivacious (read: bitchy) personality that appears the next morning (or week, or month). Also, you know how hard it is getting the divergent parts of your mind to agree on anything. Your other personality may loathe your new lover. This week, don't just seduce with your most winning manner. Use your versatile nature to convey the entire spectrum of who you are to new (and old) relationships. I predict your complicated mind will attract more often than scare off. Cancer (June 21-July 22) There's very little that's as satisfying as scratching an itch, a pleasure we share with virtually every creature on this planet. It's especially gratifying when you finally reach a tickle in the small of your back that's been testing you for the last half-hour. This week you may get the opportunity to scratch a mental or emotional itch that's been plaguing you for more than a year now. You may hesitate to rid yourself of such a familiar mental companion. My advice: scratch it, but don't carried away. You can stop before it bleeds. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Picture the moment when the ant finally submits to its not-so-spontaneous combustion under a magnifying glass. Be impressed with the wall of fire that runs marathons across the forest, sprinting with long glowing legs. There's a certain element of darkness to the searing power of fire. But as your personal energy concentrates and intensifies?like sunlight through a lens?it doesn't need to destroy or consume to show its power. It can warm, cook, entertain, light or protect. This week, shine without burning anyone or anything. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Last night I dreamt you were confined to a room until you'd spun whole bales of hay into gold. You learned the trick quickly enough, and soon produced spools of shining thread. Upon testing the stuff, you were disappointed to learn that it was rather weak and inflexible, if pretty. Refining your system, you developed a much stronger, more versatile thread?in an unspectacular shade of brown. When reviewing your fine handiwork, the evaluators found it wanting; it wasn't gold, not even close. The moral: give 'em what they ask for. Your way may be better, cleaner, faster, more environmentally sound, healthier, more efficient, more p.c., but if they ain't asking for it, they ain't buying it. So what? Give yourself a break and let them suffer. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) This isn't a good week for a stormy after-fight-fuck. No, it's better for the tender (kinda boring but sweet) lovemaking that follows spending the entire day with your lover, doing "couple things" like going to the zoo or ice-skating. Afterward, you can indulge in a sappy screw filled with cheesy dialogue like: "I've had a really great day with you?sigh?" "Yeah, me too...sigh?" If it doesn't make you puke, it just might make you fall in love a little more. Either way, go to, go to! Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The day after an all-nighter can sometimes look a little bleak, especially if your insomnia was drug-induced. Past experience shows that those blah feelings pass if you give them enough time. But sometimes you just have to function despite how tired or angst-ridden you are. This week might be a little like a shaky morning after an evening of hard partying. Simple challenges like going to work might fill you with despair. Don't get your sphincter tied up in knots about it, though. In fact, the more relaxed your response to this week's obstacles, the easier your ride. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) It's not that I like pain. But I do have an appreciation for it at times. Minor physical hurts like a scraped knee or sore muscles from a night of hard dancing can help keep me present. Likewise, the hurt you're experiencing now could be just the reminder you need to avoid living exclusively in your thoughts. So instead of resenting that paper cut, stubbed ego or bruised pride, let it help you to notice where you're at, and to be grateful you're as whole as you are. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) If I decided to market expensive stuffed animals and action figures for each of the signs, Leo would be "Pussy," Cancer would be "Crabby" and Capricorn would have to be "Horny." If I could vote for which sign was styley enough to make a unibrow look good, it'd be you, baby. There are definitely some Caps who deserve the staid, traditional, conservative stereotype, but most of the Goats who read astrology are pretty fierce. This week, strut your shit around a little. Some of the right people are bound to notice. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You've been well taught how to be a good little consumer. But I won't condemn materialism: I enjoy money and nice shit?until it restricts my freedom. For example, owning a house could be wonderful?until you wanted to leave. You're stuck with mortgage payments or the prospect of selling the damn thing before you can go anywhere. If homeless, you could hop on a bus with the first hundred bucks you got your hands on. The point is: some of the things you own or desire are actually obstacles preventing achievement of the ideals or goals you purport to live by. As a spiritual adviser, I'm supposed to encourage you to pursue your dream at any cost. Fuck that. It's up to you to decide which'll fulfill you in the long run. As for me, next chance I get I'm buying a big-screen tv and a fancy video game system.