This Week's Horoscopes

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:22

    Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I dreamt about you sneaking out your window at night and communing with wild beasts under the starry night sky. You romped through imaginary jungles with the loping gait of a predatory cat, and felt powerful and strong. Then, in the morning, you got up and dressed for work, feeling weak and transparent. Sensing a dichotomy in your life? How can you bring those confident and happy parts of yourself into the rest of your existence? One way is to relax and take yourself less seriously. Try wearing horns or furry beast underwear to work, or growling whenever talking isn't absolutely necessary. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) A friend of mine has a fetish for making lists. As I sit at his desk, writing, I marvel at the sheer number and complexity of them, and reflect that he must spend more time plotting and planning his lists than he does enacting them. I mention it because it's the exact opposite of your own m.o. right now: you're so busy doing that you might not even have time to read this column this week. If you bring any lists to bear in your life at all, put them off till later, when you can write down all the shit you did already. It ought to fill a few sheets. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) The tree outside the house is absolutely covered in ladybugs, fucking. Millions of them cluster in the nooks and crannies of the bark, around the hollows of the roots, in the tall grass nearby. Why or how they chose this spot is a matter of random chance, presumably. But there had to be those first intrepid insects who started the trend, no? There could be an argument made for some kind of group consciousness, but I believe that these things happen because someone makes them happen. I mention the bug orgy because your power to bring people together is especially focused this week. If you have a good idea, for all our sakes, please share it. Aries (March 21-April 19) I can't sleep if I hear a clock ticking. Awareness of time passing can at times be a good motivator, but not when attempting something essentially passive, like falling asleep. On the contrary; it prevents slipping into a restful state of mind, being aware of how few hours you have left. With each passing minute, you become more aware and thus less able to fall asleep. Almost everyone has spent at least one night agonizing over their clock radios. Your task these days is almost as simple and yet impossible to work at as drifting naturally off to dreamland. Turn all the clocks to the wall, muffle them in the sock drawer and take it easy. The only way you're going to get it done is to truly believe, at least for a moment, that you have all the time in the world. Taurus (April 20-May 20) Life sleeps in winter. Spring everything grows, summer it blooms and gets fertilized, and fall it creates seeds. Then everything dies, but not really. Those seeds simply lay dormant, primed by the winter cold, ready to sprout into new life in the spring. Right, you know all this. I only mention it because, of all the signs, you're the most perfectly aligned with this cycle. Being reminded of this can only help when slogging through weeks like this one, when your ideas seem to fall on deaf ears, your projects to progress only sluggishly and your sex appeal (while still enviable) to lose a little of its luster. Just bide your time, Taurus. You'll get yours. In the meantime, hibernate or something. Gemini (May 21-June 20) Periodically it's good to purge: your fridge of rotting food, your computer of old porn. Rid your key ring of defunct keys, clean your closet of clothes you never wear. It's only by tossing out your old shit that you can make room for some brand-new shit. But it's the mental aspect of this cleansing that I'm recommending for you this week. You're about to receive a shipment of new ideas that could revolutionize the way you live your life?if they have a place to move into. Cancer (June 21-July 22) Some crabs live their whole lives underwater, others, entirely on land. Some move freely between the two elements. It's this kind of versatility that I want you to take advantage of now. You usually stick to the world you're most comfortable in, even when it's not in your best interest. This is a good week to branch out into those areas that would do you the most good, taking advantage of your powerful ability to navigate different realities. While you're at it, use those giant claws of yours for something other than just pinching, grabbing and clinging?perhaps sculpting, caressing or keeping rhythm. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) In several of my many San Francisco residences, I lived above nightclubs. This meant I had to either stay awake until 2 or 3 in the morning, or fall asleep to the deep vibrating thump of the bass. At another of my houses, I lived a few doors down from the firehouse, which meant I had to endure the eardrum-bursting wail of fire engines many times a day and night. I've lived with chronically partying potheads, and schizophrenic speed freaks, and had to sleep with all their cacophony, too. You know what? I got used to it. I didn't necessarily like it, but I learned how to live with it. You know that nagging distraction? Like it or not, you'll get used to it, too. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Some people argue that ideas have a life of their own, perhaps symbiotic with or parasitic on the human race. They seek to propagate themselves, to spread, mutate, evolve and grow. Some persist despite frantic efforts to stamp them out. For instance, some despise superstitions, yet still feel compelled to not walk under ladders, step on cracks in the sidewalk, etc. Or, even if they refute these pathetic neuroses, they still devote some time to consciously rejecting them. This is an example of ideas having a life beyond our conscious thought. I say all this to excite you, not to confuse or frighten you. Your own smart brain is ready to pump out ideas that will last for many years, maybe even forever. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) I'm fond of two-dollar bills. In fact, I tend to gravitate toward anything that deviates slightly from the norm, that alters the routines of our existences. I know this can be upsetting to someone who craves the routine, dislikes surprises. Sometimes, I'm afraid you're one of these people. Just to prove me wrong, do something outrageous this week. The wilder and zanier the better. You're the great balancer, Libra. Well, there's an awful lot of boredom and ennui out there. Don't you think you'd better do something about it? Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) In the future, we'll travel to distant solar systems inside hollowed-out asteroids designed to function like little worlds. For decades, possibly even many generations, humans will live inside these planetoids while they cross galaxies in search of other life, or planets to populate. Attempting these journeys will be a great adventure. There's no predicting what people (or their descendants) will be like after decades inside a traveling asteroid. The same thing, however, is true of ourselves?we may begin an action today with no concept of what the future consequences will be. In fact, I predict that any major decisions you make this week will have unforeseeable results. Not good or bad, just surprising.