This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:34

    Gemini (May 21-June 20) She sat on a park bench, eating. The black shadow of a flagpole divided her in two; the flag itself cast a flapping silhouette on the wall just behind her head, like the image of impending insanity. In one hand, she held a ham sandwich (loaded with the works: pickles, mustard, lettuce, tomato, cukes, mayo). In the other, an incredibly rich raspberry chocolate truffle. Daintily, she nibbled first one, then the other. No one sat next to her. She may have minded, but she was so absorbed with her repast that she never noticed. Your week may be one of unpopular combinations, but don't reject them. At least tolerate them; at best, relish them. Cancer (June 21-July 22) Readjusting to California time after five months on the opposite side of the planet has been rough. I lie awake nights and nod asleep all day. My dreams are a mess, and my body can't seem to figure out when to eat or shit. And yet I can't help wishing something similar on you, my dear. If it takes a 12-hour flip from a.m. to p.m. to make you change your (barely) workable routine, then so be it. Since I can't engineer a long-distance time change of that magnitude (yet), I'll merely suggest: Don't do one or two things differently this week?do everything differently. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) One of your lesser-known magical powers is the ability to mature gracefully. Although you lack the ability to age backwards (like those tricky Capricorns) you wear the occasional silver hair or wrinkle with a compelling dignity and charm. Some of you even get sexier as you get older (Exhibit A: Madonna). But undue focus on your outward appearance can only eclipse an even more powerful Leonine secret: Leos get wiser with age. (Not everyone does.) There's more, though: Your wisdom is eminently practical, not abstract or academic. For instance, now that you're suddenly sexy enough to catch the eye of that previously apathetic crush, you're also wise enough to know whether to bother, and better able to make it work if you do. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) This week may contain something along the lines of a new baby. Not necessarily the actual, screaming, gurgling fruit of your loins, but it might as well be?the feelings may be similar (if slightly less extreme): overwhelming joy, extreme frustration, terror, exhilaration and wonder. Welcome this evocative little bundle into your life the same way you would a new kid: with careful patience, a well-exercised sense of humor and a lot of help. In time, just like any ungrateful offspring, your "infant" should be talking back, surprising you and hopefully spurring you on to other, even greater creations. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) The house of candy had lured many, many children to their doom already. Still it stood when those infernal brats, Hansel and Gretel, came to visit. Skinny little things, they begrudged a witch her supper. She fed them faithfully, while repairing the damage they'd done to her home. Her cataracts prevented her from uncovering their deception as they proffered discarded finger bones for measurement?somehow they defied her fat-filled cooking. But the witch's fatal mistake occurred when she believed the children to be more stupid than they were. As a result, they roasted her alive in her own oven. This week, don't let all your hard work?the gingerbread house, the weeks of fattening the children?get thrown into the oven, along with yourself, by a minor oversight. Be sure you've got your windowsills sugar-frosted, loose licorice tied up and all cages securely locked. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I wasn't slowed by the jet lag so much as the change in temperature. One day I was in Asia, sweating it out in 100+ degrees of humid jungle heat, the next (two hours later according to local time) I was freezing my ass off in Northern California. I saw my breath and freaked out. I've never had to suffer a rough Midwestern winter, but I thought my blood was sufficiently thick from growing up in New York. One winter in India and it assumed the consistency of water. This week, you might experience something the old you would've thought was a snap, but represents a significant challenge for the new you. My only advice is to wrap yourself in some good insulation and wait for the temperature to warm up. It's only a matter of time. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You've got the unshakable enthusiasm and optimism of Rainbow Brite. It really is a joy to be around, my sweet Archer, except that it's begun to have the peculiar flavor of a mental habit. That is, it's motivated by your own inertia of mind, not by any real belief in the hopefulness of any particular situation. I'm not saying you should give up and become a cynical realist, but I do wish that you'd emerge from the Smurf Land you've been living in and base your positivism on something a little more real. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) This week is like sucking on a hard candy until it's so thin and sharp it cuts your mouth. The degree of restraint you've shown is incredible but hard to understand?especially when it results in such discomfort! Will you just crunch down already? I know you value your discipline?to the point where it often defines your character. But will you believe me when I tell you that sometimes the greatest (and hardest) act of discipline is forcing yourself to let go, over and over again? Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) One of my favorite artist/architects, Friedensreich Hundertwasser, died recently. I was especially brokenhearted because I'd just begun to entertain dreams of actually meeting the man. I'm saddened not only by the world's loss, but by my own personal, selfish loss. If I had acted on my dreams sooner, I could've maybe learned something from him while he was alive. This week, reach out to someone you admire and hope to learn from. Not because you believe their death is imminent, but because there is simply no better time to meet your next teacher than right now. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) In The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, one of the characters, Adah, reads books back-to-front and writes cryptic poems that read the same backwards and forwards. Her view of the world is obviously different from any of the other characters'. Of course, we all have our own perspectives. But she uses hers to propel herself through the world, while you've been using yours to impede your own progress. If looking at things the same old way you're used to doesn't serve you as well as it should, try reversing your perspective, or turning it upside-down, inside-out, or flat on its back. Aries (March 21-April 19) Tonight, invite the monsters under your bed out for a cocktail or two. Get them a little tipsy, and begin picking their brains. What's the secret behind your greatest, most successful fears? Do they thrive on freaking you out? Is it a matter of empty space??There's room in the shadows of your life, so someone has to take up residence? Or is it simply because you sanction their existence by refusing to conceive of a life without fears? This is a good week to give lurking terrors that haunt you the boot; cast them out and don't look back. Give the underside of your bed a good sweeping out, then invite some friendlier monsters in to live, ones that'll remind you of all the ways you're nourished and safe, not frightened or troubled.