So many people in Los Angeles own SUVs that have rarely, if ever, been out of the city, let alone off-road. It's ironic that in an age where there are fewer 4-by-4 opportunities and higher fuel prices than at any time in history, fuel-inefficient behemoths have become so popular. You, too, have been consuming unprecedented quantities of "fuel" unnecessarily. Still speaking in metaphor, you have a monster car but you could get by with a scooter. You can't reverse the consumption of resources you've squandered so far in your life. But this week is the perfect time to change your spiritual gas-guzzling ways for good. Switch vehicles, roadways or to solar power?almost any change is guaranteed to get you farther, faster, cheaper.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
According to [www.xenu.com](http://www.xenu.com), Scientology is an evil, oppressive cult. One of Scientology's core tenets is so outlandish that they prefer new members never hear of it until they're declared "Clear"?that is, sufficiently brainwashed so they won't dismiss it out of hand. Their "faith" is predicated on the idea that an evil alien named Xenu murdered trillions of souls (by stacking them around Hawaiian volcanoes and detonating H-bombs inside). They are now hungry, vampiric spirits called "body thetans." Conveniently, only (expensive) Scientological techniques can rid you of these clinging demons. Preposterous, eh? Whew, I'm glad you retain at least that much skepticism. You've been so blindly accepting lately that I'm worried you're approaching a state L. Ron would consider "Clear." Turn up the cynicism a notch, just for this week, and if anyone offers you a personality test, know yourself well enough to tell him to go fuck himself.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If you blur or airbrush a picture enough, almost anyone looks good. But few people can withstand the unforgiving glare of supermarket fluorescents. Those unfortunates can't help noticing their unkind resemblances to Count Chocula or the Pillsbury Dough Boy. You're lucky: Virgos have a knack for looking like themselves in any light. At this point, you've spent several weeks enduring what might as well be the relentless scrutiny of high-power surgical lamps, etching every flaw or wrinkle in sharp relief. Consider your popularity, in spite of that. Now consider the attention you'll begin to receive late next week, when the metaphorical exposure of your life is dimmed to a romantic glow.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Katmandu saw violence earlier this month, when the Crown Prince Dipendra shot his parents, King Birendra and Queen Aiswarya, as well as several members of the royal family and himself. Since most Nepalese believe their king is an earthly incarnation of the Hindu god Vishnu, this act is audacious in its spiritual implications. Please don't take a gun to whomever you worship. But taking a few verbal potshots at your god this week could actually scare up some answers. Just aim high and wide.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Once I dreamt I belonged to an orange-clad spiritual order that had the power to cleanse the souls of those we embraced, Ammachi-style. I hugged a beautiful guy for an eternal moment. When we finally broke apart, he beamed in grateful concern: "Wow, there were a lot of poisons there." I could feel them, surging through me from him with baleful malice, but I could also feel the tiny spiritual nanomachines of my order flitting along my emotional bloodstream devouring all the deadly monsters and shitting out fertilizer. I reveled in my power to heal and please myself simultaneously. Your venomous sting confers on you a similar power. Try taking on someone else's pain or poison for a week. I predict you'll not only be able to handle it without breaking a sweat, but you'll enjoy doing so.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Afghans have to sneak their television. Since the Taliban forbids the depiction of the human form, movies and tv are banned outright. Simply watching could land them in jail. Dire punishments await most offenses; playing cards carries jail time. Thieves lose their hands. Queers are buried alive beneath a stone wall. Prostitutes are publicly hanged. When faced with punishments like those, I don't blame people for trying to not be caught. You evading the very minor consequences of your recent actions is pointless, though. Take the slap on the wrist?in the long run, it'll be less stressful than avoiding it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week, throw a chair at the Magic Mirror. Drop your crystal 8-ball in a lake. Make a bonfire of your tarot, the I Ching and every feng-shui book you ever bought. Or, don't do any of these things, but just remember something you knew long ago but temporarily forgot: You make your own luck and determine your own fate. For a while there, you actually believed that vast outside forces (like ancient prophecies, interplanetary gravity or the stock market) could direct your life. They don't, and I encourage you to spit on anyone (including me) who tells you otherwise.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Those poor McGuckin kids in Idaho. Taught to distrust authorities by their parents, they holed themselves up in their house after Dad died and Mom was arrested. They unleashed their dogs on the sheriff's deputies when they approached. I don't blame them for their distrust?it's all they've been taught. But your skepticism has you eating the virtual equivalent of the lily pads and lake water those kids were thought to be subsisting on. Give that poor deputy (who's just trying to help) the benefit of the doubt this week, and even if you don't yield your whole person, at least let him get close enough to bring you hamburgers.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
The Pisces symbol represents fish swimming in opposite directions. Booooooring. Your coexisting extremes are more diverse than that. Personally, I think of you as both warrior-angel and lover-devil, wielding halo throwing-stars and bladed harp as well as sharpened horns (and horniness) and muscular forked tail. Opposing energies usually clash, but when they're extreme enough (as in politics, where the radical right occasionally finds itself allied with the far left), they sometimes work together, powerfully. Relish the contradictions that make you strong. Use any extra (un)holy ammo to work toward cleaning up the reputations of fallen angels and partially reformed devils everywhere.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
The routes to happiness or enlightenment are many. I believe that given an eternity, every route becomes "the way," if it's done consciously. You've been singlemindedly forging in one direction for ages, ignoring all spiritual swamps or mountainous obstacles in your path. You may have forgotten there are other ways to get there. This week, your best route forward is by moving backward?doing exactly the opposite of what you usually do. You've heard of taking two steps forward, one step back. I think of this as taking two steps back?just enough to get a running start to jump five steps forward.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I'm sorry. I can't help my dirty mind. It's not my fault, though: astrology compels me! This week, I see you screwing around in close quarters?in wardrobes full of clothing, under tables crowded by knees, wedged inside airplane bathrooms, behind hotel dining-room curtains or in the passenger seat of your Japanese import. With whom will you be performing these dangerously exciting acts of semipublic fornication? Well, jeez?don't expect me to provide everything. I already told you what to do?it's your job to find someone to do it with.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Anne Rice's creation, the child vampire Claudia, lived most of a century looking like a pretty five-year-old girl instead of the bloodthirsty and manipulative vixen that she was. I thought of her when I spotted a Polaroid of me taken at a party. Without my recently shorn dreadlocks, I look 10 years younger. While the incongruity between my experience and my appearance isn't as great as in Claudia's case, I do feel much more worldly and cynical than I look. Let's face it, there's always some schism between how you feel inside and how the world perceives you. However, this is a great week to narrow that gap an inch or two. Be careful, though?people seeing how you really are can be dangerous: they might like you more than they already do.
[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:Caeriel@yahoo.com)