This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:53

    Taurus (April 20-May 20) This week, don't judge on appearances. For instance, many people look like their pets?even more look like animals they couldn't easily keep in their homes?but it would be a mistake to assume their personalities reflected their appearances. I walk around and notice a human version of a pig, stork, golden retriever, chipmunk and a snake. I don't imagine it means much; we don't live in a Dickens novel, after all, where a character's inner goodness or evil is outwardly apparent. Those sweet, innocent doe eyes may mask a soul full of deviltry, or that ratlike scoundrel may actually be a nervous romantic poet. That horse-faced guy you just met isn't necessarily hung like one, and the rabbity woman may not like to fuck as frequently as you'd hoped. Gemini (May 21-June 20) Give the poor homeless chick with kids a buck, for fuck's sake. Actually, quite literally for fuck's sake?it seems your sexual fortune is directly proportional to your beneficent kindness this week. That is to say, you don't put out some goodness, financial or otherwise, you won't get any yummies of your own. If all this inspires you to generosity only a half-step above "miser" level (enough to ensure your basic weekly screw), I ask you to reconsider: what might be the results of being downright stupidly generous? Cancer (June 21-July 22) These Indians love to sweep. They sweep shit up into a little pile over here, then sweep it into a little pile over there, then wait for it to get trampled around. Then they sweep it up again. A lot of your life has been occupied thus: moving garbage around with no proper place to put it. You should be psyched to learn that you're about to find the perfect spot for your emotional trash?someplace you can do more than just bury it where you won't have to look at it; you'll be able to compost it and grow healthy new feelings in it. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) One of your most beautiful and impressive qualities is your ability to live inside your potential. That is, to embody your most shining self?most of the time. Often that radiance is recognized, and therefore validated, by other people. Trouble comes when you tell yourself something like: "Someone as cool as I'm trying to be would have?an overfull appointment book?an incredible boyfriend?a million dollars?" If that particular thing is missing from your life, you start not believing in your own coolness. And then you're up shit creek without a paddle, as they say. Drop unrealistic expectations. You're exactly as cool as you need to be, and you're about to get what's coming to you. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The difference between you and your average genius is one small notebook, I believe?armed with a ready pad and pen I'd wager you could cream half a dozen Mensa club members on your own?while baking a cake! You're much more versatile than those brains on legs. If you'd specialized in quantum physics, by now you'd be responsible for some incredible breakthroughs, and get to hang out with Stephen Hawking or something. Instead you do everything at once. That's why a lot of your incredible ideas fly out the window?you don't have time to develop them, between your self-imposed duties. Don't deprive us of your brilliance. Write it down. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) I'll never curse Greyhound again. Back in my pre-car days, I found myself on a long-distance bus trip or two. I considered them hellish trials by fire at the time, and always required days to recover. Now that I've experienced cross-country bus trips in India, I've learned a new version of hell, or perhaps simply determined that my past experiences were relatively purgatorial. Spare yourself the upgrade you've been unknowingly considering?your old edition of hell works just fine. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I have a lot of respect and admiration for you Scorps, so I often let you off easy. But I never forget that you can be nasty little fuckers, in all the best and worst ways. In case you've been allowing your dark side to kick over baby carriages or to scrawl Satanic graffiti on Grandma's bathroom wall?I have good news: this week you'll probably encounter at least one or two people who really deserve to get pricked on one of your rough edges. My hope is that by the end of the week you won't regard the thornier aspects of your personality as obstacles to perfection; they're the grit that makes you a better, more effective person than you ever imagined. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Remember the story of the Velveteen Rabbit? It was a stuffed toy that longed to be real. I sometimes imagine you burdened with a similar craving. Not that you're fake?au contraire! But you are aware that many people project a warmer, fuzzier image onto you, instead of seeing the "real you." This week, show off your true nature, even if it shocks some people, something along the lines of ripping off your cute pink bunny nose and throwing it playfully (but effectively) in someone's eye, shattering all their previously held illusions about you. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I love the smell of rolling tobacco. It's up there with some of my favorite scents: jasmine, rain, sandalwood, armpit. "Oh shit?did he say armpit?" Yup, and so will you this week, or something like it. At last you'll realize that some of your naughtiest or most repressed desires and opinions have a place with some of your more "normal" or socially acceptable ones. Don't go out of your way to shock, but don't hold anything back, either. If someone asks you what your favorite thing to eat is, go ahead and say chocolate or pasta or pussy or strawberries, whatever the truth is. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) A friend of mine has a great t-shirt featuring Raggedy Ann and R. Andy humping. Missionary style. Ann lies there limply like, well, like a rag doll, while Andy does his thing. I also remember being pleasantly shocked when I first saw the now-infamous image of Ernie and Bert boffing. I don't go out of my way to degrade or take apart the pleasant illusions of my youth, but sometimes updating the stories of your childhood to fit your life as an adult is the only way to get any use out of them. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) "Oh, dahling," says the old drag queen, "if only you'd been around back when everything was new and fabulous and no one knew sex was dangerous!" When I heard this statement, I thought of you. If not in this specific instance, you are generally very aware of how things were. But I'm concerned about your sense of the present. How are things today? Don't live in the past. This week, focus on this very moment, now this one, now this?and not that moment that just was or the one that's just about to be. Or not?it's your choice. If you'd rather be a tired, bitter old trannie?well, that's up to you.