Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) They blame pollutants for the unusually high percentage of hermaphroditic bears in the Arctic Circle. The surveyed bears were genetically female but also endowed with phalli. This is primarily interesting to scientists because, like us, the bears are at the top of their food chain. All the chemicals humans have dumped into the environment build up in great concentrations in the animals they eat until they actually fuck with bear DNA. Similarly: all the harsh emotions around you are basically harmless in little doses, but in sum they can wreak havoc on your well-being. I doubt you'll end up with an extra set of genitals or become the Incredible Shrinking Woman. But I can't guarantee that?if you don't somehow reduce the quantities of negative emotion you come into contact with?you won't end up a mutant freak of nature yourself.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Mama Scorpion has the best-behaved babies in all the zodiac. She's a good mother: she lets the pale little infant monsters ride around on her back until they're old enough to poison, maim and devour on their own. Meanwhile, she does all that stuff for them. Aw, how sweet. That deadly stingers poised above their heads must make them feel completely safe?and utterly unable to act out. Having powerful allies and advocates can be useful?just make sure they don't cramp your style, especially when you're so good at stinging and conquering on your own.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) No wonder some people think you're superhuman. Your astrological symbol is the centaur, a creature composed of the body of a horse and the head and torso of a human. With a reputation as brilliant traveling philosophers, mythical centaurs often charmed people with their thrilling tales, wise musings and noble quests for truth. You're set up to impress this week, without even trying. Just be your noble self. I predict that your would-be lovers will be so impressed with your mental and spiritual virtues they won't even discover that you're hung like a horse until long after they've agreed to go to bed with you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) I slaughtered thousands just yesterday morning, murdered masses without warning. True, ants were taking over my kitchen. But at first, I couldn't help feeling guilty as I empathized with the little creatures, who were only trying to survive. Then I got drunk on power. I fantasized about legions of the dark Bug-Spray God spreading through the anthill. I imagined the queen trembling with horror as she desperately squeezed out replacement troops. These dark flights of fancy sound familiar? Have fun with them?but don't be too impressed with your own imagined infamy. They're just insects, after all.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) I dreamt I had a sentient robot friend with a fetish for shiny trinkets and sweet pastries. Sometimes, he took the form of a clunky, clumsy, R2D2-like wheeled machine that everyone condescendingly loved. Otherwise, he appeared indistinguishable from a charming, friendly, human jock. Most people feared and distrusted this latter form. I was confused, because the same wonderful soul animated both shapes. I thought of you and your wonderful preference for the new, the odd and the unique. This week, though, reconsider the familiar?lurking beneath the surface of what you think you know is something stranger and more fabulous than you ever imagined.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Sometimes you wish they'd leave you alone. But they're your friends, and they're used to letting themselves into your house. They know where you hide your key. They habitually raid your fridge, use your shampoo and take dates to your bedroom when you're out of town. Don't freak out, though. You can set boundaries, you know. But don't cut them off completely. You're lucky, if only you'll realize it; every skin cell in your loofah and lip print on your cups is one more bit of evidence that wants to tell you: you are loved.
Aries (March 21-April 19) This week is like trying to restart a dried-out ballpoint. You can try shaking it or sucking on it, but more likely than not you'll end up with ink spatters all over everything or a mouth full of blue. I understand why you'd insist on squeezing the last drop of use out of the thing before you toss it, but is it really worth the hassle of trying to brush ink stains off your teeth? Stop forcing it, Aries?the plastic corpse you're trying to revive is dead and probably never lived. Trash it, already, and be glad that replacements are cheap.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You Taureans are incredible. As long as someone has a pass to your "in club," you're the most steadfast, devoted and supportive friends around. But for those outside of your inner circle, you sometimes come off as hardassed, loudmouthed, intolerant bully. Getting membership to your elite crowd is exceedingly difficult, especially these days?maybe a little too difficult? I don't expect you to suddenly drop all standards and become as universally loving and open as an Aquarius in heat, but at least consider issuing a few guest passes to those at the top of the waiting list.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Your cagey tongue has landed more than a few acquaintances spells in the laughing stock. Those cutting remarks have historically been worth a few laughs, especially when they're as outrageously un-p.c. as only you can be. I'm not a big fan of censorship, especially the self-inflicted kind, but this branch of your sense of humor has become as obsolete as your appendix. I don't mention it for the sake of those poor souls who've suffered from your verbal lashings; I only have your own welfare in mind. I mean, Benny Hill was funny once, too, but his act didn't change. People got tired of cheap boob gags. So come up with a new routine. Your reputation's at stake.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) A few years ago I went blueberry-picking. I spent a whole day filling grocery bags with plump, juicy berries, and ate pounds in the process. I froze most of them, and for months I consumed so many my shit was purple. You've been doing something like the same thing?devouring so much of something that every corner of your soul is permeated with its overfamiliar flavor. It's not that it's bad for you, but if you still hope to enjoy the taste of this particular thing for years to come, you might want to pace yourself, or you might soon be as sick of it as you are of that Britney Spears song.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) As usual, I saved the best for last. I warmed myself up on the other signs so I'd be revved up and enthusiastic by the time I got to you. You deserve it, baby?you are the most special and wonderful sign in the Zodiac. In fact, all those other signs are just crap next to you shiny creatures. But I've got to warn you: believing outrageous flatter like this will just get you into trouble. You may be fabulous, but you need all those poor, shitty people to think you're great, or you'll just be another deluded schmuck who thinks he's fantastic. Resist the idea that you're cooler than everyone else. Besides, I was just saying that; I still have a couple more horoscopes to write.
[Caeriel@yahoo.com](maito:caeriel@yahoo.com)