Why I Still Hate Rap

Why I Still Hate Rap It took 20 years for the rap industry to figure out how to sell to white kids. Really sell. Sell like gangbusters. I mean, rap has topped charts for five years (Sept. 23, 1995; the Dangerous Minds soundtrack is #1 in the nation), but only recently has it begun to tower over all other musical genres and define the acceptable way of thought for the American teenager. The Marshall Mathers LP, in addition to being far and away the bestselling rap record of all time, is required listening for today's high school students in a way no rap album has ever been (except for maybe Doggystyle, which was passed around my seventh-grade classroom with reverent whispers). Why now? Why Eminem? I mean, he's good, but he's not that good. How come he's selling, on average, 350,000 records a week? Rappers failed me for years. Every time I thought they would learn, show up on tv without Bentleys or large rings, they would do something even more cocky, like appear in The Wall Street Journal with self-financed cellphone businesses (Master P), ride into videos in gold tanks (Master P) or try out for the Toronto Raptors (Master P). I was intrigued by Skee Lo's 1995 rap parody, "I Wish" ("I wish I was a little bit taller/I wish I was a baller," etc.), but Skee Lo was a short bald guy and he didn't have staying power.

Then I heard "The Real Slim Shady." On K-Rock, of all places?it was the only rap I had ever heard on K-Rock, which mostly plays Creed and Limp Bizkit. I thought the song was a joke, with its ridiculous bass-and-synth carnival beat. I had a vague sense of who this Eminem was, but I didn't have any clue why he was on my rock station with his rhyme-based braggart music.

The line that got me was "Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs/So I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst/Hear 'em argue over who she gave head to first." That was cool; it was new; it wasn't about blunts or bitches; it was about making fun of success, which I'd never heard a rapper do. I remembered that line, and whenever "The Real Slim Shady" came on, I would say it with Eminem, as long as no one else was in the car.

From there, damn, the lines just kept sticking: "I'm like a head trip to listen to," "There's a million of us just like me," "Feminist women love Eminem..." "The Real Slim Shady" is just under five minutes of perfect lyrical hooks, and after hearing it 20 times, I memorized it. Then I got to the Virgin Megastore like every other stupid white New Yorker and bought The Marshall Mathers LP.

God, here it was. The rap album for indie rock kids. No sex exploits ("Get off me you groupie bitch/Go fuck Puffy"), no counting money ("Tell me, what's a fella to do?/For every million I make, another relative sues"). Just 18 tracks of abusing pills, shooting paintballs at rivals, sniffing glue, gay-bashing, griping at the press, making fun of Columbine and fantasy rape/murder. A masterpiece.

What we've got in Eminem, behind the silly protests and social brouhaha (don't worry, people, he'll be gone soon), is a new Kurt Cobain. A hiphop Kurt, like the original in so many ways that I won't bother listing them all. A white-trash kid from a broken home, spit on in every possible way as he grew up, with undeniable musical skills, a serious problem with the press and a sizzling death wish. Eminem does many drugs; Eminem is being sued by his mother (for $10 million); Eminem has lost physical custody of his daughter; Eminem is one of the most recognized men in the world; Eminem is definitely going to be dead soon. What is he, 26? And 27's the age, right?

I hope the guy puts out another record before he dies. I really want him to call it The Eminem LP and complete the trilogy, leave a lasting mark before he blows his brains out or drives off a bridge or whatever. But meanwhile, now that I love one rapper, am I going to get involved? Am I going to go buy Nelly?

No, because the rap world hasn't really learned. It made one breakthrough and backed off. It continues to push albums of blunts and bitches that I'll never get, albums I'll never even consider. I want to hear from the loser rappers, the ones who are obsessive-compulsive, the ones who live with their parents, the ones who were brought up Wiccan in Iowa. Where are these people?

I saw a DMX video the other day where DMX explained why he didn't perform oral sex on women. Now that's interesting. I would love to hear more of that. Funny and self-effacing sex stories?I'll definitely patronize whoever puts those on a rap album. Until then, the practitioners of rhyme-based bragging will have to wait, while I satisfy my entertainment needs with rock stars I can feel superior to.